Women and Anger!
Power Surge™ Live!
Host: Dearest
Guest: Dr. Laura Petracek
Help For Women Whose Lives
Are Negatively Impacted By Anger

About Dr. Laura Petracek

The Anger Workbook for Women

Dearest: My guest tonight, LAURA PETRACEK, PH.D., is an assistant professor of Clinical Psychology and maintains a private practice in San Francisco. She is a member of the American Psychological Association, the National Association of Alcohol and Drug Addiction Counselors, and the Nation Association of Social Workers. Dr. Petracek's new book, "The Anger Workbook for Women: How to Keep Your Anger from Undermining Your Self-Esteem, Your Emotional Balance, and Your Relationships", addresses the unique concerns of women with anger problems. "Rigid social patterning conditions many women to stifle or deny their anger, and this repression can cause a range of other psychological problems. Others experience violent, outwardly focused anger." Whichever pattern your anger follows, "The Anger Workbook For Women" provides a powerful set of anger management tools. Cognitive behavioral and attitude adjustment exercises help you limit the power of anger-triggering situations. Worksheets and assessments guide you in an examination of family-of-origin issues that might contribute to your problems with anger. Sections of the workbook explore the connection between anger and substance abuse, mood disorders, and spirituality, as well as the issue of domestic violence. It's a pleasure to welcome you to Power Surge, Dr. Petracek :) Dr. Laura Petracek: Thank you, Dearest. Dearest: Dr. Petracek, in your practice, what are the most common reasons people who experience anger can't resolve their anger issues? Dr. Laura Petracek: The most common reason that people experience and can't resolve their anger issues is their own pride. Dee2: Do you think anger is associated with menopause? if so what advice do you have for women experiencing this? Dr. Laura Petracek: Yes, women usually experience more anger during menopause. My advice is to take extra care of yourself when you have PMS, Premenstrual Magnification. Whatever is going on for us during the month really comes out during this time and the feeling women usually suppress is anger. Also, a lot of women aren't even aware of their cycle, so become familiar with it. Dearest: Dr. Petracek, For years, women were taught or thought it was improper to show their anger. Why have women been conditioned to sequester feelings of anger away, while men seem to have no difficulty openly expressing their anger? Dr. Laura Petracek: Men are given permission to express their anger by society, women are generally not. Dearest: How do you define "inappropriate" anger? Dr. Laura Petracek: Inappropriate anger is when you are expressing your anger in an abusive way -- yelling, screaming, hitting. Dee2: How do you learn not to suppress anger? Dr. Laura Petracek: By becoming aware of your suppression anger signals, like your heart racing, your tone changing, raising your voice, and then learning to express your anger assertively. Dearest: How do you express anger assertively? Dr. Laura Petracek: Stating in a direct manner how you feel. For example: "When you don't include me in the plan, I feel angry," When_______ I feel__________. Dearest: So, it's basically stating your view calmly but strongly without becoming angry or hysterical - and starting a dialogue with the person with whom you are angry? Dr. Laura Petracek: State what the person is doing or saying that is making you angry, and then how you feel, and then what you would like differently. Say something like, "In the future please discuss the plans with me." Yes, starting a dialogue, but even if the person may not be able to hear you. The person may try to engage you, try to push your buttons, and if your don't react, that may make them more upset. Dearest: (seems like the idea is to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand) GreenBean: What is the best known fix to help with hot flashes and anger during the day? Dr. Laura Petracek: Hot flashes, I don't know. Anger -- BREATHE. That is the best intervention when you are feeling angry. Debrieanna: I have a lot of anger, but when I hold it in, I get extremely depressed. When it finally comes out, I go into a rage. What can I do? Dr. Laura Petracek: That's where most women go in relation to their anger. It's first becoming aware of when you're feeling angry, or if depressed, what upset you recently. You need to find the middle ground, which is difficult. If you're not voicing your feelings on a daily basis, they could build up. Dearest: In your program treating women and anger, what are the seven short steps of anger control? Dr. Laura Petracek: The seven steps are too long for me to type out, but basically, becoming aware of what you're angry about, state it clearly, ask for what your need, and then discuss a solution. LindaS_45: Okay, so the cycle is here. Something happened that upsets me. I'm anxious, getting angry and out of control. I can't sleep because I'm so tense. What do I do in the middle of it all to regain control? I'm feeling this tremendous anger and hostility cyclically. Dr. Laura Petracek: I keep a journal on my nightstand when I can't sleep, I turn on the light and start writing like crazy. It comes flowing out. Journaling helps you gain a perspective. Dearest: How much of the anger adults harbor is a result of unresolved childhood experiences in unhappy or abusive homes? Dr. Laura Petracek: A lot of anger has it's roots in our childhoods. Usually, what we get angry about or who we get angry with has little to do with the current situation, a lot is from our family of origin. Dearest: Let's hold onto that topic for a moment, please - because that family of origin from our childhood is often omnipresent in our adult lives. Dr. Laura Petracek: Ok. Dearest: So, when the circumstances and family don't change and the same issues play over and over again - how do we deal with that anger? Dr. Laura Petracek: Good question. Part of it is realizing and accepting the things and people and situations we cannot change, and then focusing on people who do hear us and who hear our anger. A lot of times we keep going back to those people, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, for most of us, our families won't change. We need to surround ourselves with people who support us and want to work things out. Dearest: Ahh... excellent and logical answer. Thanks. By the way, that's one of my favorite quotes about insanity :) Unfortunately, you can't always order a family like you do a pizza :) Kimberly Fincher: I tend to get angry very easy, so I tend to stay in my room literally 24 hours a day so that I won't anger people or hurt their feelings. I had to close my business because of this. My question is ...Is it bad to keep it all in? I sometimes feel like I am in such a dark place and alone I feel as if I can't live another day and just want to end my life. Dearest: Kimberley, are you going through menopause? Kimberly Fincher: I have no idea. Dr. Laura Petracek: You sound like you're in a depression Kim, and I don't think I can help very much through this chat alone. You need a good therapist to help you work this. If you just want to end your life, you need to seek outside help, outside of this chat room. Dearest: Dr. Petracek is right - you probably need to talk with an objective therapist who can help you work out the anger issues. Dr. Laura Petracek: I used to live in Brooklyn, and if you want some referrals after the chat, I'll give them to you. Dearest: Where can they E.mail you, Dr. P? Through me or directly to you? Dr. Laura Petracek: They can email me directly at: lauraphd@sbcglobal.net Dee2: How do you help a loved one to express anger assertively? Someone who suppresses their anger. Dr. Laura Petracek: Tell your loved one, "I want to hear what you have to say, It's OK if you're angry with me." Lizzi: My hubby and I are in a 2nd marriage for both, trying not to repeat mistakes. He is here with us tonight. Sometimes in a "discussion" he will become totally quiet. I will ask him what are you thinking/feeling and he will say "nothing". This upsets me more. I want to resolve issue. Any suggestions? Dr. Laura Petracek: I know it's not funny, but a male client of mine was just sharing the situation with his wife. Sometimes men really aren't thinking anything and maybe you need to take a time out. Dearest: Right - it's true that just because you're ready to resolve an anger issue at a given moment, the other person involved may not be. Debrieanna: ok, I DO state my feelings everyday to my husband AND boss, but it seems I am not heard. It just makes me more angry, what then? Just get depressed? Dr. Laura Petracek: If you're not feeling heard, say that you are not feeling heard, and then say you want to come back to the topic later. Ask them to paraphrase what you said to make sure they heard you correctly. Dearest: I hate to say this and open a can of worms - but women are talkers - most men aren't - and most men simply don't understand women -- isn't it sometimes a futile effort to extract feelings from men because they'd rather not talk about it? Dr. Laura Petracek: It's not futile. Don't try to extract feelings where they aren't any, but DO try to get feedback on what you're saying. Boomerangst52: How do you manage daily anger suppression in a non-supportive work environment (mid-manager dealing with male managers and "glass ceiling"? Dr. Laura Petracek: That's a hard one. I'm dealing with that issue at the University I teach at. I develop a support outside of these male managers, and am looking another University! PinkRose4955: When I get angry I get so depressed how should I handle this? I feel so helpless I just don't know what to do. Dr. Laura Petracek: Depression is usually anger turned on ourselves, so you need to look at what happened in your life that you are depressed. Any action is better than no action. PinkRose4955: But I cry and and sometimes I feel better. Thank you. Dearest: Crying releases a stress chemical that makes you feel better. Dr. Laura Petracek: Crying is actually the number way women express anger. GreenBean: How do you understand someone that has an anger issue - meaning when there is a discussion with him, sometimes negative, he always get defensive even when the discussion isn't directed at him. He turns the discussion around to make me fee guilty about discussing anything. He always walks out or hangs up - his way of having the last word. Dearest: GreenBean, are you married to him? Dr. Laura Petracek: He needs to learn and to stick to the rules of fair fighting. It's in my workbook under "Home Improvement Skills". GreenBean: This is my ex. Dr. Laura Petracek: Ex's are tough. Do you have children together? GreenBean: Yes, one. Carolly: How do you resolve feelings of anger at oneself for allowing someone else to use you? I can't let go of this issue (the rejection and my anger). Dr. Laura Petracek: You need to forgive yourself and say, "I'm going to learn from this, and not let myself be taken advantage of again!" Boomerangst52: How serious is the threat of suppressed anger to physical health, i.e., cancer/heart disease? Dr. Laura Petracek: Very serious. Heart disease is becoming more and more diagnosed in women. Also stomach problems, ulcers, eating disorders -- you name it. I've referred a lot of my clients to medical doctors due to the harm of suppressed anger. LindaS_45: If I chose to learn from an experience, i.e.. "I won't let my friend use me like that again" and try to let it go without addressing it, are we suppressing it and causing ourselves more problems in the future, or is it best to address everything that has upset us? Dr. Laura Petracek: It's a fine line. I went from suppressing my anger a lot to letting everyone know how I feel about everything all of the time and that's the other extreme. The middle ground is what we're shooting for. PinkRose4955: I have high blood pressure due to my son making me angry. He does not care very much. He's very selfish and does not ask how am I when he calls on the phone. He brags too much. Dr. Laura Petracek: Don't wait for him to ask you how you are - tell him. Also, I would point out his not listening to you and maybe just don't talk to him very much if he isn't willing to change, PinkRose4955: Thank you so much. You are so right. Dr. Laura Petracek: You're welcome. Dearest: Dr. Petracek, thank you for sharing your expertise on women and anger. I strongly recommend everyone get a copy of "The Anger Workbook For Women" by Dr. Laura Petracek. Visit Dr. Laura Petracek's Web site. Dr. Laura Petracek: My pleasure. You're all very welcome! Thanks for inviting me, Dearest!

 



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Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


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