(Part two of the series, Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. If you 
have come to this page without having first read part one of this 
series, it is recommended you read them in order)

Read Part One of The Series
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
Read Part Five


Dearest:   Returning tonight to continue our series, RECLAIMING OURSELVES AT 
MIDLIFE, based upon her latest book, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves 
at Midlife" is STEPHANIE MARSTON. Stephanie is a licensed family therapist 
with over twenty years experience in women's midlife issues. She lectures and 
has conducted seminars for more than 100,000 women, parents, and mental health 
professionals. She frequently delivers keynote addresses, seminars, and 
workshops.

Stephanie has written for several women's magazines and has appeared on TV 
programs, including Oprah. Among her other wonderful books, Stephanie's newest 
will be the subject of our discussion tonight, "IF NOT NOW, WHEN? RECLAIMING 
OURSELVES AT MIDLIFE."

Welcome back to Power Surge, Stephanie. Last week was a wonderful chat! In the 
epilogue of your book, you discuss your discovery of a painting entitled "The 
Crossing," the image of a woman alone in a boat, "adrift, on a storm-tossed 
sea ... yet she appeared calm." You write about how women have to find their 
own direction, their own compass when, or perhaps especially when, everything 
in their life is in such a flux. 


Stephanie Marston:   Women have to refocus their attention.  We must turn our 
attention inward and take time away from the pull of the world.  I recommend 
that we spend at least 10 minutes a day when we turn on the answering 
machine, put a do not disturb sign on our door and begin to listen to 
ourselves.  not listening to how hot we are, but a deeper kind of listening.  
like sending a listening device into the depths of the ocean to discover 
buried treasure.  But many women understandably find this difficult for 
several reasons.  First we have been conditioned to think of others and their 
needs, not our own so taking time feels selfish, second getting quiet is like 
trying to get a roomful of getting a roomful of toddlers  to settle down not 
easy, but it can be done and third many of us are afraid of what we might 
hear, how tired we are, how bored we feel, but this is all important info are 
going to chart a course for the second half of our lives.  So, I suggest that 
we make time everyday to listen with great care to what is relevant to our 
lives now and for our future.


Eileen:   Not only does it feel selfish to take time for ourselves, others 
don't like it.  How should we respond? When I turn off the phone, I get made 
fun of!


Stephanie Marston:   I think it takes a commitment on our part no matter what.  
It really has more to do with their discomfort and we can't allow that to 
interfere with what we need to do.  Why not joke back and say you're studying 
to become a nun.  That should do it.  I mean looking at where we've been, what 
we've done and what changes we want to make, if any.


Dearest:   Stephanie, you know from "Network," - "I'm as mad as hell and I'm 
not going to take it anymore!" I think it was written by a menopausal woman. 
The feelings of not wanting to please the whole world, of feeling betrayed by 
our bodies, this feeling of "DIS-EASE" (although we're not really ill). Can't 
that account for a great deal of the anger women experience during menopause? 
And isn't that anger often the beginning of a channeling into a constructi


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, I think anger, although uncomfortable, is an 
important messenger telling us what's missing in our lives or what needs are 
going unmet.  I think at midlife we simply can't keep the lid on ourselves  
anymore and that's good news.  Dearest, did I answer your question?


Dearest:   Yes, Steph. Thanks :) 


NancyV:   Is depression physical or part of emotional changes we need to make?  
My therapist thinks I should not take antidepressants and let the feeling come 
up.


Stephanie Marston:   I think in we have to experience our feelings and in some 
cases sitting on our feelings causes depression, but in other cases medication 
is warranted.  Trust your therapist.


Aunt:   I don't like it when my friends and family don't understand what I am 
going through.  They just make fun and it makes me feel like I am losing my 
mind.  That they are the only sane people in the world.  And I have one friend 
that could not understand that I needed space.  I had to be really frank with 
her and not we are not as good friends as were before.  That hurts so much. 
She is the same age and she is not going through what I am so she doesn't 
understand.  How can I make them understand?


Stephanie Marston:   It's is sooo important to have a support network 
especially when we are going through so many changes.  Thank goodness for 
Power Surge.  Also, you may want to try and let your family know how hurtful 
it is and how much you need their support.


Aunt:   I try and most of the time they understand.  But as far as my friend I 
think it is useless.  Thank you Steph, visited your website.  I love it.  
Thanks


Stephanie Marston:   Thanks, Aunt


Dearest:   Over my years of running Power Surge, I've become aware of the 
spiritual changes we undergo during menopause. I love this from your book, 
"Menopause provides an opening that allows us to touch the sacred, the great 
mystery of life." Is it from these beginnings that we develop the wisdom that 
will carry us through this transition into the next phase of life? 


Stephanie Marston:   I think that there is a certain wisdom which comes from 
life experience.  I call it bone wisdom.  It's not something you learn from 
books, but is from examining your life and all that you've done.  Meno also 
helps us to realize just how little control we actually have not only over our 
bodies, but over life itself.  A friend sent me a quote, "our ability to 
control the future would be touching if it weren't so absurd."  How true, we 
have so little control and perhaps that realization is a good thing and a 
relief. 


Dearest:   Thanks, Steph. I want to send one word out to the screen and have 
everyone type her first reaction to the word. Not to start a conversation, but 
just a little free association. The word is --- CRONE

TxAnn:   wicked witch of the east

Eileen:   Wise

Dearest:   Please type out your first reaction to the word -- CRONE.

Susan:   old

Aunt:   I think that's me

NancyV:   Ick

Joa:   wart nosed

chiwizgirl:   gathered wisdom

Ute:   not me

jstlannie:   sick

Dearest:   Old and haggard.  

MaryO:   old, decrepit, hunched over

tkovia:   I dunno

Aunt:   old woman, like I said that's me

HSpec:   hag

Eileen:   ugly but wise

cindy:   old

Aunt:   look at all of the adjectives

Harestylist:   witch


Dearest:   Stephanie, I don't and never will consider myself a "crone," no 
matter how old I become. If I've attained wisdom through the aging process, I 
am satisfied with being thought of as a wise woman. I think we agree on this 
when you talk in your book about "the birth of the wise woman: please don't 
ask me to be croned!" Please share your thoughts with us on the mind-set of 
becoming a crone.  Ok, let's have Stephanie address the "crone" issue now.


Stephanie Marston:   As I say in my book someone didn't do their homework when 
they made crone the calling card of the post menopausal woman. crone comes 
from the Latin meaning a useless female sheep or carrion.  So  turn yourself 
into a goddess, a witch whatever, but not a crone. 


Dearest:   Thanks, Steph :)  Irene, go ahead, please.


Irene:   Do you feel that the need to "nest" at this life stage and allowing 
yourself time to do that without guilt is a healthy thing? I gave up retired 
from a 40 hour a week nursing position a few months ago because I felt so 
physically ill. Yet now doing physical and spiritual healing work at my 
wellness center I am feeling so much improved because its the direction the 
Universe wanted me to go in. Does this make sense to you and is this some of 
the phil 


Stephanie Marston:   Bravo, absolutely.  So important to listen to those 
messages before we get sick of hit over the head by the velvet sledgehammer.  
We can't ignore ourselves any longer or the price we pay is too high.


Irene:   Thank you Steph :)


Stephanie Marston:   You're welcome, Irene


Jeanne:   My family is always trying to get me to do things, I am fine doing 
what I want to do at home.  It kind of makes me feel like I'm letting them 
down especially after my heart attack, I feel different about life now, I want 
to be peaceful not busy. Is that bad? I'm not lazy just more peaceful.


Stephanie Marston:   Nothing lazy about it, what bigger message can you get 
than something as serious as a heart attack.  You need to help your family to 
understand how important it is for you to be quiet, peaceful and to listen to 
your heart.  Literally. 


Jeanne:   I sometimes feel bad that maybe I should make an attempt even if I 
don't want to, though. 


Stephanie Marston:   One more  thing. Jeanne, we have to be ferocious about 
our own self-care and on some level your family is helping you to see just how 
determined and committed you are. 


Jeanne:   Hard to get use to Stephanie:) Almost stubborn as a bull at times :) 


Stephanie Marston:   I know, but worth making the effort. 


Jeanne:   Thanks, I feel a little more at ease about it.


Sara:   What about digestive problems in Menopause.  Is that common?


Stephanie Marston:   I'm not a doctor, but I understand that our entire body 
chemistry changes due to the shift in hormones and this does effect our 
digestion. 


Sara:   Thanks, Stephanie, for answering my question.



Irene:   Do you feel its possible to develop weakness in your legs physically 
when its really an emotional and spiritual that nee to go in a literal 
different direction?


Stephanie Marston:   Only you know if it's truly a physical thing or if it's a 
symbol of needing more support and different direction.  Why not get quiet and 
ask yourself and see what you hear? 


Irene:   I already feel I have heard the answer as I am so much improved since 
the change in my direction.


Stephanie Marston:   We usually do know, if we really pay attention.


Aunt:   I, just like Irene, left my 40 hour week job.  But I am not doing 
anything right now, except staying at home.  And I do feel guilty.  I want to 
go back to work but not full time.  But I am afraid to even make that 
commitment right now.  Why am I so afraid? I just had so much pressure before.  
I don't want that anymore.


Stephanie Marston:   Sometimes we have a difficult time setting boundaries for 
ourselves and until we can trust that we aren't going to cave in to other 
people's demands we are afraid to put ourselves back in that type of situation 
because we're not sure we're not going to give in to those demands.  we have 
to practice saying no setting limits and attending to our needs.  That muscle 
has to be exercised like any other muscle to become strong. 


Dearest:   Is it possible her inability to make the commitment is her mind's 
way of telling her she's not ready? 


Stephanie Marston:   Absolutely, and Aunt you should honor that. 


Aunt:   So I guess I need more healing time?  And practice saying no!!!  
Thanks.  I think you and Dearest are right.  Thanks


Stephanie Marston:   We all do. 


Aunt:   Thanks Steph


tkovia:   When does menopause end?:)


Dearest:   Tkovia, when it's good and ready (sigh)


Jeanne:   lol
tkovia:   lol
Joa:   lol
Dearest:   I sometimes wonder if it's when the fat lady sings 
and it waits until we're all fat and ready to sing!
Aunt:   lol
Irene:   hahaha
TxAnn:   laugh
NancyV:   lol!
tkovia:   great standup!
Joa:   hahahahah
Aunt:   lol
Aunt:   love the sounds


Dearest:   Menopause can last anywhere from about 4 until 12 years from 
beginning to end. The worst part of perimenopause usually lasts in the 
neighborhood of 5-6 years.   Ute, go ahead.


Ute:   Steph your book is great! Wanderlust hits many of us as we approach 
this crossroad of life. I am ready to give in to it all. Sell the Condo, leave  
job, get a job in Arizona at the Grand Canyon as tour guide... ?? How do we 
know if we should really respond or ignore the little voice inside?  Thanks.


Stephanie Marston:   I actually don't know.  I'm not a physician, but I know 
it takes several years, but this too shall pass, but I think we have to take 
small steps and be sure we're not going  back into adolescent rebellion.  Take 
a trip to the Grand Canyon, really listen until you know in your heart that 
that's the right thing to do.


Ute:   I know I was just there. So listen to the inner voice is the answer. 
Thanks


Dearest:  Steph, in your book, you say that you felt as though your body 
had betrayed you. You found out you have osteoporosis and it didn't fit the 
picture you had of yourself. Most of our lives, we don't think about our health 
and suddenly, we're faced with this reality check which requires some serious 
thinking and lifestyle changes. How does one make that shift from never thinking 
about one's mortality, per se, to suddenly feeling it rear its ugly head almost 
constantly?


Stephanie Marston:   I think that in every ache, in our changing relationships 
with our kids, our parents we feel a sense of our own mortality and in a way 
that's good news.  It often serves to shake us out of a numbness that often 
pervades our lives.  We can't burn the candle at both ends. we are being asked 
to pay attention to ourselves on every level and adjust ourselves to this new 
phase of life.  There is something in midlife about learning to surrender as 
difficult as it maybe.


Jeanne:   I have been to that place 3 times since August with my operations 
and heart attack and stroke. You see that someday you will not be here and I 
want my time with my husband and me. I think I deserve it now. I'm trying to 
make them all understand. Should I just come out and say it that way?


Dearest:   I'd like to come back to the aging parents, caregving while we're 
going through menopause later.. but JEANNE, go ahead with your question which 
you already did. Heh!


Stephanie Marston:   Why not, it's important to tell those people we love the 
truth, no matter how difficult it may be.  There is no other way to get them 
to understand.  Might as well try and see what happens.


Jeanne:   there's always that little spot in my head saying take care of them 
first - hard to put it to rest 


Dearest:   Steph, Share with us, please, what you mean by revisioning 
menopause? 


Stephanie Marston:   Meno is a psychological wake-up call that requires we pay 
attention to where we stand in our lives.


Dearest:   Do as they did in Macbeth. Say out, out damned spot!


Stephanie Marston:   Meno is so misunderstood in our culture.  In many 
traditional cultures postmenopausal women are seen as gaining power and are 
allowed into the secret ceremonies where they were not welcome before.  So 
menopause is a time of reclaiming our power and wisdom, a time when we stand 
up for what we believe in and speak our minds.


Irene:   I have found that one of the most difficult pieces of this stage of 
life is that when making plans I feel a certain fear about making them 
longterm. This is different for me because I have always been a planner and 
dreamer of the future and now I feel more mortal and vulnerable yet not in a 
morose way. Is this a common feeling for women in this life stage? 


Dearest:   Not making plans because?  You don't know how you're going to feel? 


Irene:   Yes that sometimes.


Stephanie Marston:   I think  it is. We are more careful knowing that time is 
finite.  We are more careful about what we are willing to commit to and how we 
want to spend our time.  Does it feel all right to you?


Irene:   Other times just because realistically it doesn't make sense to 
commit to say a business plan at 58 years old. 


Dearest:   I don't know, Irene. I don't see 58 as being too old to do 
anything.  And knowing you as I do, I don't think you do either. Maybe 
something else is holding you back.


Irene:   I don't either Dearest except in the context of how long will we 
really want to work that hard.


Stephanie Marston:   I think again, you have to trust and honor your feelings.  
I can't say that enough.  We really do know what's best for us, we've been so 
conditioned to look outside ourselves for the answers and at midlife we have 
to own that we know.


Dearest:   You know me, Irene. I only know hard work, so I'll be doing it 
until I keel over - probably at a Power Surge chat :)


Irene:   I'll probably be right beside you :)


JSTLannie:   That is the difficult thing . How can you tell your family how 
you are feeling and what your needs are if you don't even know yourself what's 
happing to you. I have so many different emotions and feelings surfacing.


Stephanie Marston:   If we're out of touch with our feelings all the more 
reason to make an effort to invite them back into our lives and see what there 
trying to tell us.  It may be a good time to break out the old journal and 
just allow yourself to write whatever comes to mind without censoring yourself 
and see what wants to be heard.  I can't emphasize how important this is.


Dearest:   Steph, why if we know certain things aren't good for us, certain 
lifestyles, we keep doing them anyway? I don't feel in denial, but I know 
there are things I need to change but somehow don't. 


Stephanie Marston:   As my mentor Virginia Satir said, "most people prefer the 
certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty."  Change is difficult and we 
often try to do it too fast.  We have to take baby steps so that we don't 
freak ourselves out and we can build a foundation for new behavior.


Dearest:   Thanks, Steph. Jeanne, go ahead.


Jeanne:   Since I almost died this last year a couple of times, what is there 
a best way to think of our mortality?  Sometimes I get mad that it will all 
really end someday.  Other times it doesn't bother me at all. 


Stephanie Marston:   You're welcome.  To live each day as if it's our last, 
not an easy thing to do, but as you know firsthand we simply don't know and we 
forget all too quickly how precious our time is.  Why not use it to motivate 
us to do and say the things we've been holding back on?   Why not live more 
fully in the moment? I don't want you to think I mastered this one, but when 
I do it's a whole different feeling. 


Jeanne:   I always did that before  but now I do make a special effort to make 
sure everyone I love knows it, it was a real eye opener :) 


Dearest:   How do we handle it all, Steph?  Our menopause, often feeling lousy 
much of the time (maybe menopause, maybe arthritis, aging, etc).. and our 
families, being caregivers to our aged parents? How does one handle all that 
overwhelming responsibility when we don't feel great ourselves?


Stephanie Marston:   All the more reason to take care of ourselves so we can 
better care for those we love.  We have to, have to make time for ourselves.  
We have to pay attention to our bodies and our physical needs, eat well, 
exercise.  We simply don't have the kind of slack we used to.  We have to 
build ourselves into the equation, no matter what.  The truth is that anyone 
who loves you wouldn't want you to do any differently even if they're not 
saying that.


Dearest:   Thanks, Steph. Irene, your comment, please. 


Irene:   I guess the problem is that I still think like I'm 20 and my family 
has a difficult time understanding why I continue to want to  make a mark on 
my world. I am preparing our home to be a Bed & Breakfast and my kids want to 
know why I can't just rest. The only answer I have is that I still enjoy the 
challenge of new things and personal growth. I know they don't get it and 
their concerns are ones of respect and love but sometimes I have to gently but 
viable and strong and these things bring me pleasure and a sense of accomplishment.


Stephanie Marston:   Sounds great as long as you're doing it because it's what 
you genuinely want to do, not to prove yourself or please anyone else.  If 
they bring your pleasure go for it.  Why not? 


Dearest:   Steph, in closing, what is the most important thing you'd want to 
say to midlife / menopausal women in order to improve their lives.


Stephanie Marston:   Start to take time to reevaluate their lives.  Ask 
themselves what do I love, what do I believe in, what's really important to 
me?  What was my dream before I stopped dreaming and how can I recapture my 
lost, neglected dreams and longings.  Start there. 


Dearest:   Stephanie, once again, what an empowering and stimulating chat. The 
transcript of our first chat is in the Web site's library at http://www.power-
surge.com/library.htm. I can't urge you enough to read Stephanie Marston's 
wonderful book, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife." 

Please join me in thanking Stephanie Marston for visiting with us again tonight 
in Power Surge and be sure to join us next Thursday for the third part of our
series, Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. 


This is Part Two of the series.

Read Part One of The Series
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
Read Part Five


Disclaimer:  Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an 
endorsement of a guest's views.

None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without 
the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.

Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.


Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


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