(Part one of the series, Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife)

Dearest: Tonight's guest in Power Surge is STEPHANIE MARSTON.

This is the first in a collaborative series of discussions called:  
"Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife" 

Stephanie is a licensed family therapist with over twenty years experience in
women's midlife issues. She is a nationally recognized lecturer and has
conducted seminars for more than 100,000 women, parents, and mental health
professionals. She frequently delivers keynote addresses, seminars, and
workshops to women's organizations and corporations.

She has written for several women's magazines and has appeared on TV programs,
including Oprah. Among her other wonderful books, Stephanie's newest will be
the subject of our discussion tonight, "IF NOT NOW, WHEN? RECLAIMING
OURSELVES AT MIDLIFE..."

Welcome to Power Surge, Stephanie. From a poem I admire, "Imagine a woman who ...
celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use
precious energy disguising the changes in her body and life." Have you
found in your discussions with women that they more commonly "accept"
getting older, reclaiming and redefining themselves than they fear it?


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, most women I interviewed for my book are more self 
confident and happier now. They are simply more comfortable in their own skin. 


Dearest:   In your book, you say, "As we shift away from the stereotypes of 
beauty, we discover the power to define ourselves in our own terms." In our 
younger days, many of us were obsessed with and dependent upon our appearance. 
When you talk about a woman redefining herself and her attractiveness, is it the 
physical attractiveness, or a discovery of a different type of attractiveness?


Stephanie Marston:   It's an attractiveness based on who we are and how we feel 
about ourselves.  Think back to when you felt most attractive. It probably had more 
to do with how we feel about ourselves and what we exude.   


MsWhimsey:    Is there a median age for achieving this comfort zone, or does it 
occur several years into onset of menopause, in your estimation?    


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, it occurs over several years. For a time we see-saw back 
and forth between comfort and discomfort.  By the time we are on the far side of 
midlife, most women are fairly comfortable with their sense of attractiveness.   


Dearest:    You said, "In my seminars, I ask women what was your dream before you 
stopped dreaming?" At what point in life do women abandon their dreams and can 
every woman reclaim them?    


Stephanie Marston:   Absolutely. Every woman can reclaim dreams.  We simply have to 
start to ask what am I doing unquestioningly and what have I lost along the way.


Dearest:    And, in the same vein:   What about the woman who says, 
"I've never been anything but a wife and mother. How does a woman of this mind-set 
reinvent herself?


Stephanie Marston:   She needs to take time to consider who she is beyond her roles 
as wife mother and woman.   She needs to ask "What needs have I buried under my 
husband, children, work and family?"   She needs to make a conscious effort to 
make time for herself and her dreams.


Dearest:    You're doing great, Steph, for your first online chat. Just take your 
time :)  We're not going anywhere (we don't want to age too quickly)   Minnie, go 
ahead, please :)


MinniePauz:    Steph, what did you find was the biggest DIFFERENCE in the women 
you interviewed?


Stephanie Marston:   Most of the women had struggled, but had found ways to 
successfully bring themselves back into the picture.  I think there were more 
similarities in terms of the issues they were facing than differences.


Sue:    Since the "symptoms" of menopause are so varied, is it difficult for most 
women at that time to determine which physical aches and pains are real problems, 
and which are hormonally related ones that will subside as the surges abate?


Stephanie Marston:   I think that we have to become experts at our own bodies.  
Each woman's experience is as unique as her thumbprint.   But menopause is one 
aspect of this time of change.


Dearest:    Stephanie, how important is it to maintain a sense of humor 
through the transitional process -- how can our humor be useful?


Stephanie Marston:   Humor is essential.   Consider it a lifesaver.   We have to 
be able to laugh at ourselves and challenges we face.


PCarl:    I am quite stymied by this stage of my life. Just when I thought I 
would have time for self-discovery (after the kids are grown) by oldest is 
diagnosed bipolar and hubby has heart attack and bypass which leaves them both 
home and again I am caretaker --what can I do in this dilemma how can I find me? 
This stage of my life was not expected to be this demanding of my time and 
emotions.


Stephanie Marston:   That's a rough one.   Can you find a local support group, call 
on friends and family for support?


PCarl:    That would be in an ideal world, but in today’s world, families are too 
busy.  Also, support group is helping with my son but not with hubby he is not.


Stephanie Marston:   The truth is that the better able you are to make time, even a 
little to care for yourself. Even just a few minutes a day.  The better able you will be 
to care for your loved ones. 


EileenG:    Does the realization that we will die eventually have any impact on 
how we view ourselves now?


PCarl:    Thanks Stefanie


Stephanie Marston:  Eileen, absolutely. That is one of the things that defines 
midlife.  Life becomes more precious and we are shaken out of our numbness.


EileenG:    I wake in the middle of the night in shock that this will happen


Stephanie Marston:   We feel an urgency to grow or die.  It's time to ask yourself 
what am I neglecting, what is waking me up.  There is a part of you that is giving 
you a message. It's important to pay attention.


EileenG:    Thanks Steph.


Hippieheron:    What were the issues that the women were dealing with that you 
interviewed?  Did they have problems redefining themselves?  I have found this 
redefining process stressful.  


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, it's no easy task, women starting with redefining their 
roles as wife, mothers, their sexuality, their dreams.  It takes time and the 
willingness to question anything we have been doing unquestioningly for a long 
time.  It requires a genuine commitment to listen with great care to yourself, 
to discover what is most relevant for your life now and for your future.


Carol:    Why do we get so depressed about turning 50?   It's only a number.   
What is the emotionally healthy way to go over the hill? 


Stephanie Marston:   Hey, I think 50 is a milestone to be celebrated.  
It is only in our youth worshipping culture that they feel over the hill.  I recommend 
that every woman do something to mark this passage.   We need to redefine aging 
for ourselves and our culture.  There is something I call bone wisdom that is only 
acquired with the passage of time.   No, we don't look like the models on the 
magazines, but who does?  We have to own who we are what we know, what we've 
accomplished and celebrate ourselves.  


Dearest:    Many women who come through Power Surge talk about finding themselves 
suddenly facing all their unresolved emotional issues. Why does this happen at 
midlife and what's the best way to handle all these sudden demons, so to speak? 


Stephanie Marston:   Midlife is a lot like adolescence.  A lot of our unresolved 
issues surface to be resolved.  There is a drive now towards wholeness. Anything 
we have denied erupts into our lives.  Our demons need to be let out of the 
basement into the light of day.  They are parts of us that we were told were 
unacceptable, but aren't.  Every quality has both a positive and negative use.  In 
any case we needs to know who we are in totality.


Jacky:    I find that I have a lot of emotional issues now as well.  My daughter 
just left for college, but I have 2 sons still at home.  It seems everyone still 
needs me.


Stephanie Marston:   Many issues we didn't have time to attend to when we were so 
consumed with raising our children, establishing our career and marriage now come 
to the surface.   I think it's important for women to talk with one another, to 
start of join a support group, to do exactly what your doing by participating in 
Power Surge.  We need a lot of support, just as we did during the transition of 
adolescence.


Jacky:    Do you have any suggestions as to starting a support group?


Stephanie Marston:   Well, on my website, www.stephaniemarston.com I have a section 
called "Let's Talk" that give suggestions for discussion and how to start a group.


Irene:    Did you have women who had many dreams but were concerned about not 
being able to see them through to fruition due to emotional/physiological issues 
present at this time of life?


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, some women were concerned.  But more often than not what 
I found were women taking risks like never before in their lives.   Women get a 
little dangerous at midlife.   We just don't care as much what people think of us 
or how much they love us. We simply can't keep the lid on ourselves any longer.


Irene:    Thanks


Dearest:    Is that what you mean by reclaiming your authenticity?


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, in part, reclaiming our authenticity is about acting the 
same in all area of our lives. Having a thread of genuineness that runs through 
our lives.  It means reclaiming the  parts of ourselves we have neglected.  It 
means throwing off personal and societal constraints and being fully, unabashedly, 
who we are.


Dearest:    Thanks, Steph. EileenG, please go ahead.


EileenG:    Is it normal to feel like you need a lot of time alone now?  That the 
people in our lives need to come second? How do we find a balance?


Stephanie Marston:   Absolutely, when we are in such an intense reevaluation, 
we need to make more time for ourselves.  This is especially difficult for 
women.  We are so naturally caregivers, but we have to make time everyday 
even if it's just 10 minutes to listen to ourselves, to nurture ourselves.  
We need to quiet our minds so we can hear what is truly in our hearts.    
I'm not suggesting that you abandon your husband and children but that you 
take yourself off the back burner and bring your needs back into the picture.   
It's not always easy, but essential.


EileenG:    Great answer, thanks!


Dearest:    I've always thought isolation during menopause, especially, can be a 
very healthy thing (to say nothing of the fact that it probably prevents murders, 
too).  


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, preventing murder is a good thing.


Dearest:    Yes, I think so, too :)


Stephanie Marston:   But I think that part of why we feel so frustrated is that we 
ignore ourselves and the pressure builds until we explode.  We have to pay better 
attention to those early warning signals and make own self care a priority.


Jacky:    Is it common to be more sensitive now?


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, our hormones are changing and we are simply more 
sensitive.  Remember when you were a teenager and you felt like your body had been 
snatched by aliens?  Well meno is a second puberty.  I think it's a combo of 
questioning a lot of things we have relied on combined with the physiological 
changes.


Dearest:    Thanks, Steph.    Bubbles, go ahead, please. 


Bubbles:    Why is it so hard to make decisions?    
  

Stephanie Marston:   Decisions often require taking a risk and letting go of one 
thing and moving towards something new.  This is always uncomfortable.   Most of 
us cling to the misery of certainty rather than risk change.  In other words we 
don't want to give up our old familiar pair of slippers and have to break in a new 
pair that we may not like as well.  Decision making has to do with self-
confidence, trust and commitment.


Carol:    My family went into shock when I decided to start doing things for 
myself.  It's hard to change the role they're so used to.  How do we make those we 
love understand we have needs too without making them feel like we don't care 
about them?    


Stephanie Marston:   It is hard, they often feel threatened when we make changes.  
That's why close women friends are so important during this time.   I think we can 
explain what we're doing, but not expect them to necessarily understand and accept 
it.   It requires a real commitment to your choices and it may rock the boat for a 
time, but no one ever died from a little boat rocking.  In fact, it may shake some 
things lose for them as well.


Carol:    Thanks for the confidence boost.


Stephanie Marston:   Anytime.


Aunt:    I did not pay attention to those early warning signals as you said.  I 
just pushed until I was drowning.  I even quit my job.  I needed time to be away 
from everyone including some close friends.  Is this normal?  I didn't want to 
make any decisions at home anymore.  I put it all on my husband's back.  Now I 
want it back.  I am I weird?


Stephanie Marston:   No, sounds like you're just trying to figure out who you are 
now and redefine your roles.  It's not uncommon for the power balance in our primary 
relationships to shift during midlife. We want more equality in all our relationships.


Aunt:    It is so confusing at times.   I will start crying at the drop of a hat. 
Or I will become furious at the least little thing.    I don't like what I have 
become. 


Stephanie Marston:   It may be time to make a commitment to take some time each 
day, to meditate to find out what you need, to ask what changes you need to make 
in order to reconnect with yourself.   Also, it may be good to check out your 
hormone levels.


Aunt:    Thank you.


Dearest:    For those of you who want more support, be sure to visit our message 
boards at http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/index.php


Chiwizgirl:    Steph, at times my "symptoms" seem almost archetypical, like group 
pain, larger than me. Can you comment on this?


Stephanie Marston:   You're welcome, Aunt.   What symptoms are you talking about?


Chiwizgirl:    Emotional, rage, fear.  
  

Dearest:    Chiwiz, can you elaborate, please? Do you mean you feel horrific fear 
and rage through this transition and it feels larger than life?    Steph, my 
feeling is that that's what she means because menopausal women experience a great 
deal of anger, rage, emotional imbalances that can be frightening.


Chiwizgirl:    The feelings go beyond all my previous measuring sticks of normal 
into the unknown. It seems almost like it's not all mine.


Dearest:    Because this isn't a "normal" time of life, Chiwiz


Stephanie Marston:   We'll there is a way in which midlife can be frightening.  We 
go through leaving our first adulthood and entering uncharted territory.  There 
are no maps to guide us no outside source to rely on.  In the epilogue of my book 
I talk about needing to find a new compass.   Not one that we hold in our hands, 
but one that resides in our hearts.  Just as when sailors were lost at sea they 
found their way home by locating Polaris, the North Star we have to discover 
our own North Star. for me that is my authentic self, for others it may be a 
higher power, God, Goddess.   But we have to rely on ourselves in a way we 
never before.  We realize that we're the one, we hold the key to our own 
fulfillment.  Whatever we are going to make of our lives is up to us.   We are, 
in fact, alone.   This is universal experience.


Dearest:    Chiwiz and anyone else, if you haven't been to the Power Surge message 
boards, I strongly suggest you go there and connect with other women going thru 
the same emotions you are - http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/index.php    
(you can click on it now and bookmark it). There's even a board that addresses the 
almost inexplicable fear, anger and rage you're referring to.    


Chiwizgirl:    Thank you so much!


EileenG:    How do we learn to trust ourselves -- our feelings-- when we never 
have before? Is it just practice?   I think most of us were taught to care more 
what others thought.


Stephanie Marston:   Yes, I agree.   First we have to begin to value our feelings, 
to listen to the messages they are trying to bring us.   Once we begin to pay 
attention we give ourselves the message that we are worthwhile and to be valued.   
It is something that women are conditioned to do in our culture to be selfless, 
caretakers, pleasers, but we can no longer afford to do that.  Midlife makes us 
realize that life is finite, this isn't a dress rehearsal, we do in fact have an 
expiration date.  Whatever we've longed to do, whatever dreams we've neglected, 
now's the time.   Hence the title of my book, If Not Now, When?


EileenG:    Thanks again, Steph!   I can't wait to read your book!


Stephanie Marston:   You're welcome


Dearest:   Steph, you've become a real pro at this!


Stephanie Marston:   Thanks Dearest, it's fun.


Dearest:   We'll have to do more chats like this.


Stephanie Marston:   Anytime. I'd love to.


Fejdoc:    I want to know that if we realize that we have to listen to our 
feelings, but people around us don't spare us to do it, then how do we?


Dearest:  Good question, Fej.


Fejdoc:    Thanks. It’s pricking me all the time.


Stephanie Marston:   What do you mean by spare us?  We can't afford to wait for 
someone else's permission.


Dearest:    Do you mean others won't allow you to listen to your own feelings? 
Won't give you space?


Fejdoc:    It means people don't allow us to think about ourselves or to spend 
some time on our own.


Stephanie Marston:   We have to become protective of ourselves, our needs our 
time.  Most women act as if no is a 4 letter word and it isn't.  Contrary to 
what Shirley Maclaine may say, if this is the one and only life we have 
we have to ask how do I want to use my time?


Fejdoc:    Yes I mean that -I don’t want permission of others but as in our 
society we're bound with relations like husband, son, daughter, etc.


Stephanie Marston:   That should be the criteria when deciding if we want to 
volunteer at our children's school, etc.   I realize we have to take other people 
into consideration, but not at our expense.  There has to be room for everyone’s 
needs dreams and feelings.


Dearest:    As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel like a fool 
without your consent."    On that final note, Stephanie, what a wonderful and 
empowering chat about women at midlife. I strongly recommend everyone read 
Stephanie's beautifully written book, "If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife." 
Also, be sure to visit Stephanie's Web site at www.stephaniemarston.com 


Stephanie Marston:   You're welcome. It was great! 


Dearest: Goodnight, Stephanie. Night, all. See you next week, Sept. 6th for 
part two of our series, Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife.  



This is Part One of the series.
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
Read Part Five




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Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
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