Dearest: My guest tonight is MIRA KIRSHENBAUM, internationally bestselling, prize-winning author or co-author of eleven books. Her books are available in over fifteen languages. They are all based on presenting the best solutions people have found to the problems many of us struggle with. Her books range from "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay," to The Emotional Energy Factor. Both were two-time finalists in the Psychology category for the National Books for A Better Life Award. Mira is also the author of "Everything Happens For A Reason."

Mira is Clinical Director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston and has dedicated her life to her research and writing, her workshops and one-on-one help. What's special about her work is that Mira has shown that whatever problem someone is trying to solve in life, someone else has found good answers to it. Hers is a highly pragmatic approach, but it has the virtue of providing custom-tailored, effective, doable solutions.

Mira has appeared on the Today Show, Oprah, featured on a 20/20 Prime-Time Special, and has appeared on numerous other TV and radio shows. Mira's newest book is the topic of tonight's chat -- "The Weekend Marriage: Abundant Love In A Time-Starved World."

Mira, it's always a pleasure to welcome you back to Power Surge :)

Mira Kirshenbaum: First of all, I want to say that between Pixiegirl and SturdyWoman we've totally got it covered!

I'm happy as always to be back.

Dearest: Mira, many couples have worked through the years, albeit more today than in the past due to the rising cost of living, the need for supplemental income and women wanting careers besides motherhood. Is there something indigenous to this time in our society that's made the "time-starved" factor so much more of a problem -- are we handling things differently from the way other busy people have handled them in the past?

Mira Kirshenbaum: What's different today is the combination of being busier than ever, both people, and having higher expectations for the relationship.

Dearest: You don't think anything about the nature of the world we're living in today has something to do with the rush, rush, rush with work and living?

Mira Kirshenbaum: What's happening in the world that impacts us is globalization. The fact that jobs can be so easily exported means we have to work as hard as anyone else does.

Dearest: Good point

Mira Kirshenbaum: This puts a lot of pressure on us to work hard.

Mira Kirshenbaum: Plus there seems to be a lot of social status connected with being very busy. The busier you are, the more important you are.

Dearest: Very interesting. Thanks, Mira. How does a couple delineate between not having "time" for their relationship or simply not "wanting time" for it - in short, maybe they're genuinely unhappy together.

Mira Kirshenbaum: You know that you're a weekend-marriage couple if the minute you have real time for each other, things in your relationship get better.

That's a sign that it's your time-starved lifestyle that's hurting you.

Dearest: Mira, you tell a story in your book about a woman who, while driving home from work, always passes the airport and yearns to turn the car around and hop on a plane to a far away land -- alone, yet she never does and feels disappointed in herself. Doesn't everyone want to run away at one time or another and what does that say about them or their relationship?

Mira Kirshenbaum: We all sure do want to run away from it all from time to time. The pace and pressure of our lives are just too much for most of us and this really hurts our relationships. I wrote THE WEEKEND MARRIAGE to help people understand why they're probably having trouble getting along and what to do about it.

Dearest: What about the spouse or partner who buries him/herself in work to avoid the relationship -- hence the expression, someone who's married to their work?

Mira Kirshenbaum: You know you're dealing with that situation if things get worse when you spend a significant amount of time together, not better.

MaryO: Boy, this is a topic that interests me! My husband is practically never home and when he is, he's on the phone or online. Even weekends seem full of other stuff. What's the most important way to start connecting, even with limited time? Thanks, Mira!

Mira Kirshenbaum: You need to make it clear to your husband that a great way to kill a relationship is to put it on a shelf so it can starve to death. Relationships die when they're ignored. So ask your husband if he wants the two of you to end up getting divorced. I hope he doesn't!

Then the next thing to do is to order a copy of THE WEEKEND MARRIAGE! Then talk to him about one thing you can do every day to connect in a real way as a couple. Talk to each other about what makes you feel loved. And then make sure you do it every day.

MaryO: Great ideas! Thanks, Mira.

RSGreen: My husband and I are not really "busy" per se, but we still struggle with making time for each other amidst the daily routine. Plus we both like and need time alone. How can we make time for each other part of our routine?

Mira Kirshenbaum: Your situation is the most common one. You make time for each other part of your routine by scheduling it in. If you fail to plan, you're planing to fail.

But since your lives are jampacked, putting more time together in your schedule means taking something else out. So identify things you do that are less important than keeping your marriage alive. There's got to be a lot of them.

PatC: It seems to me that we live in a very noisy society. Do you think the lack of quiet interferes with intimacy? Do you have any suggestions for finding the time and space to be close? Thank you.

Mira Kirshenbaum: Great point!

Mira Kirshenbaum: It's hard for me and my husband when there's noise around us too. You just have to think about the noise rhythms of the day. If it's quieter in the morning, then that's when you make sure you spend time together. If you need to get away, then make that happen.

The key is making time together a priority.

PatC: Good suggestions, Thanks.

Mira Kirshenbaum: I great suggestion is using your appointment book or your calendar to create opportunities for planned spontaneity. There are tons of suggestions in THE WEEKEND MARRIAGE.

Dearest: You devote a chapter to "Solving Problems Fast." How does a couple married for years solve problems fast?

Mira Kirshenbaum: Here's a fast answer. Couples get stuck because they spend too little time listening to each other and too much time arguing.

Here are the three steps to follow:

1. Each of you talk about what you want. be clear and simple.
2. Don't talk about solutions yet. just have an open ended free form discussion where each of you brings out everything that's important to you about the problem under consideration.
3. Then once you have all this great information, let one of you put together a plan or solution that he or she thinks addresses both of your needs.

Then the other can edit that plan a little and you're all set.

MonicaXYZ: What do you do with a husband who gives you the silent treatment? No dialogue in his childhood. Dialogue to him represents arguments.

Mira Kirshenbaum: Your husband needs to be shown gently and patiently that dialogue is rewarding, not a punishment. Listen to what he says, even if it's only a couple of words and say, "That's interesting. I'd love to hear more." Then before you respond to what he says tell him what you've understood he said. Add as much as you think you can get away with. If you've misstated anything he said, he'll correct you.

And there's your conversation. It's a start!

MonicaXYZ: Thank you

Dearest: Mira, Power Surge is a community for women in menopause, many of whom are going through a difficult time physically, emotionally and spiritually. Coupled with our own transitional woes, it's sometimes difficult to focus on our partners. Are there any specific suggestions you can give to women at midlife whose relationships may be suffering as a result of menopause?

Mira Kirshenbaum: Take better care of yourself. Know that menopause is time limited. And beware of this trap: you know your husband doesn't understand what you're going through. So you want to make him understand. So you complain. So he gets sick of your complaining. So you end up being more distant.

You can break through this trap by spending more time asking for what you want than you do complaining. Then make it clear to him that there will be many rewards for the two of you as you get closer.

RSGreen: What advice can you give about finding time for sex? Between being busy and days I don't feel well we usually end up just getting together on the weekends, and not that often!

Mira Kirshenbaum: That's why I talk about the weekend marriage! Welcome to the club. Talk to your husband about when both of would would most like to be able to have sex. Then you're going to have to engage in what I call planned spontaneity. For busy couple, great sex has to be scheduled sex. It's actually kind of sexy to know when the two of you are going to be getting it on. And of course it's still spontaneous because how you do it can be infinitely varied.

BayBridge: Thank you Mira, I keep getting knocked off line so I hope this comes through...first off, my husband and I heard you speak at Barnes and Noble in Thousand Oaks some years ago. You were very interesting so I thank you for that.

Mira Kirshenbaum: My pleasure.

BayBridge: Second, I really liked your book "The Gift Of A Year" -- it really helped me. So thank you for that too. By the way, married for 38 years here and I agree with all you've said about marriage and sex.

Mira Kirshenbaum: BayBridge, thanks for your kind words.

Dearest: Mira, is the time factor in many marriages/relationships today more specific to a particular age group, or is it impacting relationships among people of all ages?

Mira Kirshenbaum: Of course it affects everyone. Even retirees talk about how they find they're busier than ever.

RSGreen: How can we stay connected to our husbands, and friends and family, when menopause has us feeling like being a recluse, withdrawing from people and the world?

Mira Kirshenbaum: You'll never have anything to give your relationship unless you give to yourself first. So think about exactly what you need to feel that you're taking care of yourself. Make that a priority. Then make it clear to your husband that you're taking care of yourself first so that you will feel like you want to be with him and others. But be careful not to spread yourself too thin.

Rendy: You mentioned that we expect more of our relationships now. Can you elaborate?

Dearest: By the way, everyone, Mira's about to become a grandmother for the first time in a couple of weeks! :)

Mira Kirshenbaum: I'm so excited about this coming blessed event!

Dearest: It is very exciting - especially the first one :)

Mira Kirshenbaum:Yes, we expect more from our relationships now, because so many people like me write books about how to have a better relationship. And movies and TV and magazines are filled with examples of people who are working on their relationship.

Rendy: That is true, thank you.

BayBridge: So with that said, do you think all this overexposure and so called education has been good or bad for marriage and relationships? And is there any way to simplify back to a simpler time?

Mira Kirshenbaum: The education is mostly good. I'm all for it. But it's like all the TV shows on physical fitness, they could be helpful but you still need a realistic sense of what's possible for yourself. And you can't have a negative self image because you fail to live up to the ideal.

BayBridge: Also, what do you think of the term that is now in the dictionary "starter marriage"? Is it now assumed the first marriage is a throw away lesson?

Mira Kirshenbaum: Not among anyone I know, and I see a lot of young couples. People still take marriage pretty seriously. People only talk about a starter marriage if the first one doesn't work out.

MonicaXYZ: I believe I read "Everything Happens For A Reason". Can you expand your view on that?

Dearest: There's a whole transcript in the library on Power Surge at www.power-surge.com/library.htm

Mira Kirshenbaum: Oh my God, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Dearest: Just go through Mira Kirshenbaum's chats in the library and you'll find the one on Everything Happens For A Reason, Monica. Ok?

RSGreen: How can we schedule time together when my husband doesn't like to feel "scheduled"? It makes him feel anxious or pressured.

Mira Kirshenbaum: Ask him how he wants to solve the problem. And if he says that he just wants to play it by ear, ask him what his plan is if playing it by ear just doesn't work.

RSGreen: Thanks!

Dearest: Mira, thanks for another great chat. You've provided us with some excellent ideas. I've loved all your books :) I highly recommend Mira Kirshenbaum's, "The Weekend Marriage: Abundant Love In A Time-Starved World." Also, surf over to Mira's Web site, www.MiraKirshenbaum.com to read more about her work.

Mira Kirshenbaum: It's been great being with you. You guys are wonderful! Thanks everyone for your great questions. I really enjoyed tonight's chat.