(Mira Kirshenbaum's 2nd visit to Power Surge)

Dearest:   It is my pleasure to welcome back to Power Surge, psychotherapist and author,  MIRA  KIRSHENBAUM.

Mira has 25 years experience as an individual and family psychotherapist and is Clinical Director of the 
Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston. We enjoyed Mira's visit when she spoke about her bestselling book, 
"Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", about knowing when and if to leave a relationship.

Tonight, we're going to talk about Mira's newest book (Dutton, 1999), "The Gift Of A Year: 
How to Give Yourself the Most Meaningful, Satisfying, and Pleasurable Year of Your Life". 

Mira, welcome back to Power Surge :) Would we be misguided if we were thinking that 
this "gift of a year" we gave ourselves was a luxury, or could that gift be a more 
simple and acquirable pleasure?  


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, everyone.  I'm happy to be back.  The gift of a year is both a luxury and a necessity.  

It's a luxury because nothing feels better than fulfilling some long-deferred dream or need.  
It's a need because when we have important issues simmering on our back burner it gets us down and 
we lose touch with our real selves.  

Let me say what the gift of a year is for one year (more or less) you make yourself a priority 
in your life you pick one thing you've always wanted to do, a dream you've always had.  
Something you've always thought would be fun.  Something you've always needed to do for yourself 
that you've kept postponing.  You give yourself the gift of one year that you'll remember 
for the rest of your life.  Because you've done something wonderful for yourself.  We always 
make other people a priority in our lives.  For once we need to make ourselves a priority.  
How can we keep giving to others if we never give to ourselves?  My book is filled with women 
who've done this and all the different things they did.


Dearest:      Mira, it's interesting that you just mentioned unresolved issues because my question was ... 
If one is dealing with specific emotional issues, would you think giving oneself a year of therapy to 
resolve those issues would be considered a gift?


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Absolutely.  But it's got to feel like a gift.  A treat, not a treatment.


Dearest:      Ahh... excellent.


MomReads:   I sometimes feel so lost, I'm not even sure I know whether I have such a deferred dream.  
How do I go about finding it?


Mira Kirshenbaum:   It's not such a big deal.  It doesn't have to be so deep.  Maybe you're just 
tired and for one year in your life you need to kick back, take bubble baths, and read all those 
books you've been wanting to read.  Don't think dreams.  Just think about how you feel and what 
you'd like. One woman spent a year getting in touch with old friends. 


Dearest:      How important is it for women, especially those going through midlife changes, 
to emotionally nourish themselves?  


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Nothing is more important!  We're going through a lot of stress.  We've been 
giving all our lives. Most women around midlife are running on empty.  We need nourishment.  
Not something little.  Something big.  


Betts7:   Thanks. I want to reclaim myself - not as wife, or mother, but to find the person I am 
that I didn't truly discover before marriage and homemaking and work.  What suggestions do you 
have to begin my search? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, Betts.  You know it all already.  Just think back.  What did you love 
when you were a teenager, for example?  How would you answer this question: I've always wanted to...


Betts7:   Hard to remember this moment...let me think a sec! 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Here's another: what's best about you that you feel needs bringing out?


Betts7:   I know I love creative things and am an entrepreneurial type. I love all of the arts 
but am not myself an artist. 


Dearest:      Mira, this sounds like part of the Ten Dream-Discovering Questions you discuss 
in the book.  


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Give yourself time to answer these questions.  My new book has a ton of 
material on discovering your dreams.  If you love the arts, what's one thing you could do for 
one year that would give you a lot of pleasure? 


Betts7:   Do you have examples in your book of people with my type of question? 
Is it not too late at 56??? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   It's not too late at 86! 


Betts7:   Thanks a lot --- will get your book


LVW2004:   Why is it that women in midlife (45 and up) go through depression? Is it the age? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, LVW


LVW2004:   :)


Mira Kirshenbaum:   I think it's an awareness of time.  Women are very time oriented people  
and for many of us our youth is our fortune.  We've over invested in our looks.  Then our kids 
are starting to grow up and leading their own lives.  The antidote to depression is action,  
but we're not used to acting.  So we stay depressed.  Now is the perfect time to give to yourself.  
You won't be depressed when you know you can take care of yourself!! 


WISCODUCK:   Do you have any suggestions for someone recovering from cancer and also in midlife 
and menopause?


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, WISCO!  You have the gift of life.  But you are the soul of your life.  
Your dream will have a suggestion for something very special you can do for yourself for the 
next year.  


WISCODUCK:   I am depressed about my future sometimes and that affects my positive feelings 
for life.  Thank you. I will try that. 


Brownt88:   How do you know if you truly are having menopause and not just depression?


Dearest:      Also, please remember Mira is here to discuss her book, The Gift of A Year... not menopause, per se.  
<although my gift would be to not have menopause for one year> 


Brownt88:   I didn't know what her book was all about..nevermind


Dearest:      Well, let's see if Mira can address your question.  Mira, do you want to talk about 
menopause, depression and giving ourselves gifts?


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Yes.  I've been going through menopause myself.  We're all sisters here. 
I've got to tell you this.  If you just sit down and focus on your menopause, you'll get depressed.  
Women who do best with menopause find something wonderful or new or interesting to do.  they go 
out from their innards and bring wonderful things into their life.


Dearest:      How true!


Mira Kirshenbaum:   That's the best antidote to depression.  Giving yourself the gift of a year 
is a way to take power over menopause.  To not be a victim.  


Brownt88:   Thank you



Rosestone4:   Do you have some advice about how to get over the daily "have tos".. 
(cook great meals...BE there for everyone, etc.)


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, Rose.  good question.  Very few have tos are real have tos.
write down 
all your "have tos".  all.  Then say okay.  What are my big three?  Then get tough.  Everything 
that's not one of your big three "have tos",  DUMP IT.  That alone can be your gift of a year.


Rosestone4:   ha!  yes.


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Just tell everyone this is my year for me, and I need it, and you'd better 
not mess with it. I'll be here forever for you, but I need this for me now.


Rosestone4:   Just the freedom would be a great gift. Great answer...thanks.


Dearest:      Mira, what gift have you given yourself?


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Don't go by me. Every woman's different.  We all need different things.


Dearest:      Well, what gift would you give yourself then?


Mira Kirshenbaum:   But I'd gotten so incredibly busy--work, family, etc.  We're all incredibly 
busy.  But here's what I did.  I made a long list of treats I'd been meaning to give myself.  
little things.  singing lessons.  keeping a journal.  connecting with old friends.  I just made 
a list and did every little thing on it.  It was the best year of my life.  


Dearest:      So, it could be something as simple as giving ourselves a walk after dinner every evening? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Absolutely!  As long as that walk is something meaningful to you and feels 
like a gift.  If so, that daily walk could change your life.  Who knows what you'll discover 
in yourself.  plus the wonderful feeling of knowing you're doing something wonderful for yourself.  


Dearest:      What about people who don't know how to give themselves gifts? Or are afraid of changing 
the routine? Or simply don't know how to be good to themselves? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   There's a story in my new book about a woman like this.  She gave to others, 
never to herself.  Then she was dying.  On her deathbed she begged her beloved sister not to be the way she was.  
Think of it like this.  If you don't give to yourself, you will die inside.  


Dearest:      Amazing.


Mira Kirshenbaum:   It's true.  


Dearest:      Thank you :)  I believe it is.  By the way, you were wonderful on the Fox TV interview 
I saw last week :)  


Betts7:   Can you give a recap of what one will find in your book? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, Betts.  Sure.  Complete instructions for:
1.  how to discover what you really want
2.  how to put it in the form of a special year
3.  how to get all the support and help you need

But really, the book is more just a collection of wonderful stories of all the different 
things hundreds of women did for themselves.  It's filled with real-life suggestions and stories.


LVW2004:   Do you suggest Prozac, Paxil for depression?


Dearest:      Mira is not a medical doctor.


LVW2004:   Oh...sorry:)


Dearest:      Mira, if you'd like to address this, please feel free. I just want our audience 
to be aware that you're not a physician.


Mira Kirshenbaum:   These can be great.  But you have to see a psychiatrist.  But the research 
is clear.  Pills are no good unless you change yourself and your life.


DebOc98:   This past year I have focused on me....doing what I want for me.  My family now thinks 
that I am selfish.  They were used to me doing for just them.  So what do I tell them and how do 
I convince them I have changed?  I have become defensive and argumentative also. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, Deb.  Every woman faces this.  What needs to happen is you've got to tell 
the people you love why you need this.  In the book I show you just how to do this.  But the key 
is making them understand what this means to you.  It's not negative: I'm not taking care of you.  
It's positive: if I don't take care of myself, I'll be in trouble.  


Dearest:      Mira, shouldn't this gift be something we give to ourselves for the rest of our lives, 
not just for a year? Or, is the idea to have that year turn into a change forever?  


Mira Kirshenbaum:   You'd be amazed at how often the gift of a year turns into the gift of a lifetime.


DebOc98:   hope so...thanks....


Mira Kirshenbaum:   But let's not get ahead of ourselves.  Don't think lifetimes.  don't think 
even a year.  Just think what would be something wonderful and special for me to do for myself?  
THE GIFT OF A YEAR will show you how. 


PianoMary:   How do you get support from people unused to providing it and people who aren't 
around often enough to help provide any?  


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Hi, Mary.  Yeah, sometimes we feel we're going it alone.  But you can't beat 
your head against a wall.  If the support just isn't there, then I say screw them.  Go for it anyway.  
Just do it.  What can they do, sue you?  So they'll be mad. so what?  If we sit around waiting 
for all the support in the world, it will never happen.  Lots of women just did it.  


PianoMary:   Thanks! :)  


Dearest:      Mira, thanks so much for another stimulating and provocative visit to Power Surge. 
I highly recommend everyone, who lives in this stressful 21st century, go out and get herself a 
copy of this encouraging, caring and insightful book of MIRA KIRSHENBAUM, "The Gift Of A Year."


Mira Kirshenbaum:   Thanks. You're all great!!! 

 

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