(Mira Kirshenbaum's first visit to Power Surge)

Dearest:	I'd like to welcome tonight, as part of Power
Surge's, My Menopause, My Sexual Self Series, psychotherapist, lecturer, TV and
radio relationship/sex expert, MIRA KIRSHENBAUM.

Mira Kirshenbaum has 25 years experience as a couples/family counselor, is the 
Clinical Director of The Chestnut Hill Institute and author of the new bestselling book, 
"TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY"

As a psychotherapist, Mira has treated many couples, sorting out the dynamics 
of their relationships. Couples frequently question whether their relationship is 
working, and Mira helps us determine *whether* those relationships are worth *fixing.*

Via this series, My Menopause, My Sexual Self, we're NOT addressing the medical aspects 
of menopause, so I ask that you kindly reserve questions of that nature for our medical
guests.

Mira, a very warm welcome to Power Surge. Let's start off with this hypothetical scenario:
Bob and Carol have been married 25 years. Carol is in the throes of a difficult
menopause, Bob isn't very understanding, can't tolerate her mood swings, her lack of
sexual libido, and thinks the relationship is doomed. Carol is hurt and angry, feels Bob
should be patient until the worst part of menopause passes. Does Carol try to
convince Bob that the relationship is worth saving, or should she realize how selfish
he is and cut her losses and call it quits?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	First, ask was there anything that made her believe he 
was a selfish person before menopause.  Talk with him and level 
about what she needs. 


Angel:	What do you think about people who "stay together" for 
the kids


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Angel, if you can fix your marriage you should, but a 
bad marriage is bad for the kids.  If a relationship is too bad to 
stay in, it is too bad for the kids to grow up in. There is a 
chapter in the book about this. 


Beaver1048:	I am concerned because I am 48 and newly married.  You 
hear some alarming things about a your sex life slowing down and 
mood swings.  It is such a new marriage that I am more concerned 
about how he will react.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Beaver, everything that is important in a relationship 
is covered in the book.  In the sex chapter, we separate this into 
two diagnostic questions.


Beaver1048:	How can I know for sure when I start I am scarred of it.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	The book is a series of 36 diagnostic questions.  
Would you like to hear the two about sex? 


Beaver1048:	yes


Mira Kirshenbaum:	First, Do both you and your partner want to touch 
each other and make efforts to touch each other?  


Beaver1048:	Absolutely. He tells me all the time not to worry 
about it.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	If you don't, you are making a statement of how you 
feel about each other.  If someone makes you flesh crawl, it is 
time to crawl out of your relationship.  Only you know about your 
relationship.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	A lot shifts during menopause. To make a life decision 
about staying or leaving during menopause is not focusing on the 
real critical factors.  The question does. You must be able to 
talk about your problems, then there is hope for you. 


Dearest:   	Excellent, Mira.. that answers my scenario earlier. 
		Thanks. Mimi, go ahead, please :)


MIMISUSAN:	My relationship with husband has become very platonic.  
Any way to regain the "spark"? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Mimi, The fact that the spark is gone does not mean the 
relationship is gone.  How does it feel to get close?


MIMISUSAN:	Rarely happens 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	When the subject of intimacy comes up, is there a 
battle over what it is?  If getting close drives you apart, you 
can never get close.


MIMISUSAN:	We seem to go our separate ways, not much time for 
intimacy. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Is the critical issue time?


MIMISUSAN:	Sometimes.  Sometimes just lack of interest 


Dearest:   	Again, Mira... we can't focus too long on each 
question.. perhaps Mimi can email you... at Mirakirsh@aol.com.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Real love needs real loving experiences.  Find things 
that make you feel close. 


PFWLJ:	Can you tell us the vital characteristics of a strong 
relationship. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Lets talk about love, where both people get their 
vital needs met.  Love is the hope that your needs will be met 
with this person.


ToothMaidn:	2nd marriage 10 yrs early symptoms, very emotional, 
husband aloof about most things anyway.  How can I approach him to 
be heard.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Are you emotional Tooth?


ToothMaidn:	Yes


Mira Kirshenbaum:	If your partner blocks your attempts to raise questions 
that you care about, you are faced with a problem that does not 
get better by itself.


ToothMaidn:	How do I change it?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	What have you done about this?  If he blocks you, how 
will you ever fix it? You must talk.


ToothMaidn:	Okay thanks



DawnDidIt:	43 yrs old with husband 28 years (23 married). We 
don't talk anymore. How to begin? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Dawn, first sit down and ask him what he needs to 
start talking and you tell him what you need.  Make this a 
pleasant experience. Talk about the things you enjoyed when first 
in love



Dphotoluv:	My husband has ADD.  I lack sexual interest.  How does 
one explain this to him? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Dph, having great marital sex is hard to achieve in 
reality.  Millions complain about this.  All studies we have done 
point to the fact that when one person stops enjoying touching, 
the relationship does not improve.  BUT, relationship is not just 
sex. 


Suzyque001:	Will menopause make my husband get on my nerves?  
Everything he does irritates me - straining us.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Suzy, talk to your doctor about this.  If your 
symptoms are strong, take it seriously. Don't suffer, discuss 
with doctor. 



Buchermj:	The only time my husband wants to touch me is when we 
make love. I know I would be responsive if he would only hold my 
hand, hug or kiss once in a while.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Buch, ask him to do this.  Ask him what he needs to be 
able to give you this. Ask yourselves if you generally like your 
partner and if he likes you.  It is the nuclear fuel of love.  If 
you truly like each other, your relationship may be too good to 
leave.


PFWLJ:	Aren't expectations for another to "satisfy our needs"  
damaging to a relationship? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	PFWLJ, What needs?


PFWLJ:	The needs you wrote about above.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	PFWLJ, Some people need to feel supported, respect, 
etc.  and we should expect our partner to offer that.  What does 
it mean to love someone if you don't deliver love. 	Whenever we are 
stuck not knowing what to do, we are aching to talk to someone just like 
us. We all want to live a life free of regret, my book will prevent you 
from having regret in deciding whether to stay or leave.  


Erthmthr2:	How do you know if you have ever had a real orgasm?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	If you don't know, you may not have had one. 


Erthmthr2:	That's not a big help, I would really like to know.  
Is it possible I have not? I'm 49 years old.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Erth, can you give me more information?  What have 
you experienced?


Erthmthr2:	It's a small release, no big explosion.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Erth, you should discuss this with your doctor. 


Erica:	Completely unrelated to meno, but why do you think 
it's so hard to have marital sex as opposed to having sex with 
someone you're not married to.


Dearest:   	Hmm... not sure I understand the question.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	I don't understand the question Erica.  Are you saying 
that unmarried sex is better?


Erica:	No not at all. Someone mentioned before that it's 
harder to have sex with someone you're married to than someone 
you're not married to. Why do you think that is?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	I don't know that is true.  Studies don't say that. 


Erica:	 Okay


Dearest:   	I didn't know it was hard to have sex with either


VBrando101:	No question just a statement - My husband is always 
saying nice things to me and kissing and hugging, holding hands 
wanting to make love.  Me on the other hand wants to be left alone 
most of time .  I guess we are never satisfied.  


Mira Kirshenbaum:	I wrote the book to discover the difference 
relationships where you accept what is there and are glad you 
stayed and those where you regret you stayed. Being an adult means 
accepting that things are less than perfect.


Brando101:	I think I need your book thanks.
 

Mira Kirshenbaum:	But why advise someone to stay if everything is so bad, 
that anyone would be happier leaving. For example, in every 
relationship, there are put downs, but don't stay if the other 
makes you feel like a nothing or you always avoid the other person. 


FBriggs113:	Leaving sex for a moment.  Do you suggest approaching 
our relationships with women friends in a similar fashion - that 
is discussing their needs as they relate to our own? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	FB, can you elaborate.


FBriggs113:	You spoke earlier of telling your husband of needs, by 
asking what they need to help us with something we need.  Do you 
think the same approach helps with women friends. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	FB, there are different expectations with friends. 
This is a book for people in relationships, men or women.


Dearest:   	I think FB may be talking about relationships in general, 
Mira.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	The book is for people in iffy relationships and don't 
know whether to stay or go.  Not a friendship, but a committed 
relationship. 


Dearest:   	Mira, let me ask you this, what if a couple decides 
to leave a relationship and then one decides, he or she made a 
terrible mistake. What to do then? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	That happens rarely, but the book will make it clear 
before you make the mistake.  If you make the mistake, you must 
woo the person back. If you made the decision for the right 
reasons and those reasons are in the book (there are 36 diagnostic 
questions in the book.)  You will know if there are reasons to 
stay or go. 


Dearest:   	Mira, I'm sure by the time tonight's chat is over, everyone
will be anxious to read your wonderful book, TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Thank you Dearest.


Dphotoluv:	Is it normal to feel suffocated when held by your 
husband during menopause? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Dph, have you ever felt this way before?  is it normal 
for you?


Dphotoluv:	No 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Well, then this is not normal.  Take your needs 
seriously and take action to fix this.  You deserve excellence 
in love. 


Dphotoluv:	How? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Talk to yourself or a friend.  Someone you trust to 
figure out what is going on with you. Find out what is real for 
you and then talk to your partner. 


Dphotoluv:	Thank you.


Zipit2:	Will some of the hurt that is said during an outburst 
ever get better over time. I'm always angry with myself afterwards.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Zip, Excellent question.  Whatever was done, do you 
have the sense the damage was lessened with time.  There is 
schedule of time and there are time tables that are healthy and 
normal.


Zipit2:	Sometimes, but I don't like to hurt him.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	You should know that some people have mechanism 
forgiveness and others don't'. It is important to be able to let 
go of the hurts, if you were the one hurt.


Dearest:   	Mira, what about if a woman is married to a man who 
simply won't talk about things? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	That is very serious.  You can't fix it if you can't 
talk. What have you tried?


Dearest:   	That was hypothetical, Mira.


AnnCat10:	How do I decide after 25 yrs.  I want to leave- but 
it's too scary? No communication >Talking, crying, nothing works. 
He doesn't think anything needs fixing -


Mira Kirshenbaum:	You must take this seriously.  If he does not admit 
that there is pain for you, it may be time to get out.  Can you 
talk at all? 


AnnCat10:	Not at all. I think you're right about getting out - I 
just can't seem to make the move. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Please read the book.  Go to the library. 


AnnCat10:	I intend to. Thank you. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	A relationship is not too bad to stay in just 
because you had a fight.  It takes diagnostic questions to decide.  It is 
good for our mental health to get this clear. I am amazed to see how many 
people have written to say that after reading the book, they decided their 
relationship was too good to leave. Too good to leave deserves your full 
commitment.


FBriggs113:	What is the major fear that women who want to leave 
have & how can they deal with it?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	The major fear is being alone and never finding love 
again. The way to deal with it is to make certain you stay 
connected to people and things you care about.  As long as you 
care about people and things that matter to you in your life, you 
will be happier by definition than staying in a relationship that 
was too bad to stay in. Help is available for people with doubts.


Alaskatv:	I am 51 have a very good sex life.  What can I expect 
in the next 10 yrs?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Alaska, expect more of the same. 


Alaskatv:	Thanks I am hopeful but scared


Dearest:   	Mira, a friend of mine was shocked to find out that her 
husband of 20+ years cheated on her with a mutual friend. The trust is 
obviously gone. How does one get it back? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	It is a long process to rebuild trust.  I thought 
affairs were fatal, but that is not the case.  It is not the 
affair, but the things around it.  Being unable to forgive or 
having more love to give or feeling he is a liar.  Give the book 
to your friend.


Dearest:   	I will do just that, Mira :)


FBriggs113:	How I learn to be a better communicator of feelings to 
my true love - not my strong suit.... especially if my feelings 
are negative .. 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	FB, I wrote a book called "There is something I have 
to tell you" with Dr. Charles Foster.


FBriggs113:	Yes?


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Talk through your heart, as you would to your best 
friend.


FBriggs113:	He is my best friend - but it is still difficult.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Decide what you want and talk to him if he can hear 
negative things. Determine first how to talk about these things 
without causing each other pain.


Dearest:   	Mira, do people in this fast-paced world today -- 
everyone so busy with trying to earn a buck to pay the bills -- 
raising children, going thru menopause, etc., really have or take 
the time to nurture relationships? 


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Glad you asked.  I have a new book coming out, 
Our Love is too Good to Feel So Bad.  I tell you how to nurture 
your relationship in this fast paced life we all lead. 


Dearest:   	Great.  We'll look forward to it. 


VBrando101:	What makes a man too good to leave?
 

Mira Kirshenbaum:	This book is about the relationship, not the man.  
Think back to the time when your relationship was at its best.  
How good was it?  If it was never very, it never will be.


DBriggs269:	What do you think about engaged couple living together?  
They are both 28 yrs. old.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	DB, if it is okay with them, we are not in the business 
of legislating this. 


CAJASS:	  The topic of discussion today was cybersex  What do 
you think.  Is it cheating?  To me it would be a major betrayal.

 
Mira Kirshenbaum:	CAJ, do you think it is?


CAJASS:	For me, yes.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Then take it seriously - trust yourself.  If it feels 
like a betrayal, it is and let the other person know this.  If you 
don't take it seriously, he won't.


CAJASS:	Just looking for opinion - he doesn't !


Angel:	I've found that when I can't talk, I can write...good 
and bad things.  We write back and forth until we resolve it 
enough to feel comfortable discussing.
 

Mira Kirshenbaum:	Does this work for you?  Is this okay for you?


AngelThriv:	Yes, absolutely.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	It's okay, if it works for you.  Then you are all set. 


Dearest:   	Mira, thanks for spending this hour with us
	in Power Surge. Your suggestions are great,
	and I'm sure every one of us could benefit
	from your wonderful new book........
TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY

Dearest:   	We hope you return to Power Surge soon :)


Dearest:   	You can E-mail Mira at MiraKirshenbaum@aol.com,
Let's all thank Mira Kirshenbaum for joining us in Power Surge 
this evening.  Thanks, Mira.


Mira Kirshenbaum:	Thank you Dearest.


Angel:	        Thank you so much {S applause
CAJASS:	        thanks
Zipit2:	        thanks
Redfencer:	Thanks Mira!  {{}}
Erica:	        {s applause
FBriggs113:	Thanks a lot
Buchermj:	Thanks Mira:)
LUCKYDAYZ:	THANKS  VERY MUCH
SGETT:	        Great talk...thanks for coming!!
Beaver1048:     great chat
WINDOCK1:	Thank You Mira !!!!
AnnCat10:	thank you -
SASCREAT:	Thank you
PFWLJ:          Thanks Mira
MIMISUSAN:      Thanks
Callie435:      thank you mira
Eve G 406:	thanks
VBrando101:	Thanks Mira...I will get your book tomorrow
Zingara:        Thanks so much
Angel:   	Great Questions and Fantastic Answers !!!
Mira Kirshenbaum:	Good night all.
FBriggs113:	good night Mira
Dearest:   	Night, Mira :)
Angel:	        Good Night Mira
Imagineawoman:  wonderful having you
Erthmthr2:      thank you
Zipit2:	        nite
SoupySue:       Thank you. Goodnight
Erica:	        night Mira
Buchermj:	Good Night Mira!
Angel:	        So refreshing to have complete answers
Z J Gragg:	Good Night Mira!

Dearest:     Your answers were exemplary, Mira. We hope you'll come back 
soon :)


Mira Kirshenbaum:  Thanks this was fun.  I hope to be back again.


Dearest:     Thank you, Mira. Very enlightening. We all can learn more 
about our relationships. Goodnight, everyone :)





Read Mira Kirshenbaum's second transcript
Read Mira Kirshenbaum's third transcript
Read Mira Kirshenbaum's fourth transcript

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Power Surge
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