Dearest: My guest tonight is Dr. Charles Foster, the co-founder and research director of The Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston. For thirty years he has worked as a psychotherapist and consultant with individuals, couples, families, and organizations of all sizes. The focus of his work has been to develop an evidence-based approach to finding practical solutions for perennial problems.

His research is based on studying people who are successful with a particular problem and learning how to apply their solutions in the most effective way. He's written numerous books, the newest of which is the subject of tonight's chat, "Feel Better Fast: Overcoming the Emotional Fallout of Your Illness or Injury."

Dr. Foster has appeared on the Oprah Show and many other national shows. He was featured on a John Stossel 20/20 Prime Time Special for ABC News. Dr. Foster has lectured at Harvard Medical School and has held grants from the National Institute of Mental Health.

It's a pleasure to welcome you to Power Surge, Dr. Foster.

Dr. Charles Foster: I am so happy to be here with my terrible typing.

Dearest: Your typing is fine :)

Dr. Foster, you say in your book that in understanding where the cure comes from regarding illness and injury, we must take the word "holistic" to the highest level - and you advocate "personal medicine." Can you please elaborate on personal medicine.

Dr. Charles Foster: Personal medicine takes the whole person into account, not just the whole body. In particular it looks at your emotions, at all the ways your feelings are tied up with whatever is wrong with your body. For example, when we get sick or injured, we typically fall prey to anxiety, depression, and anger.

Dearest: Isn't it a fair assumption that every person copes with pain and illness differently? Some people have a higher threshold for pain than others?

Dr. Charles Foster: Absolutely. The key is in understanding your own coping mechanisms. That's important because the main reason negative emotions afflict us when we get sick is that we feel helpless. Dealing with things your own way is a way to feel less helpless. Don't let anyone -doctor, friend, whomever - tell you how to deal with your illness.

Dearest: If a person is in constant pain, how do they gain control of their emotions? The pain doesn't go away, so why would it be expected that the emotional response will go away?

Dr. Charles Foster: OK let's say you're in a lot of pain. The first thing to do is get clear about what your emotions are about it. For example, maybe you're afraid you won't be able to cope if the pain gets worse. That's because you're feeling helpless to deal with that. But you can deal with that. You can talk to your Dr. about the possibility of the pain getting worse. Maybe it won't.

And you can also put in place a series of ways to deal with the pain: medication, hypnosis, acupuncture. All that proactive work will reduce your fear.

PinkRose4955: When I wake up in the morning I feel depressed and mad at myself.

Dr. Charles Foster: Why are you mad at yourself?

PinkRose4955: I am overweight.

Dr. Charles Foster: That'll do it!! But there is something you can do to get past the negative emotion. Decide whether you are going to do anything to lose weight that day.

PinkRose4955: I feel bad about myself. I can't seem to lose it no matter what I do.

Dr. Charles Foster: It doesn't matter what you decide. It's your choice. Then do what you have chosen. You will feel more in control and less mad at yourself.

Pink, you can always decide to like yourself the way you are, which is the way God likes you.

Dearest: Decide whether you are going to do anything about the weight - just bear in mind, and these are my words, that for many women, losing weight during perimenopause isn't as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it's better to wait until you become postmenopausal.

Kates: What if we already suffer from anxiety and depression and then get sick or worry about getting sick? What do you suggest?

Dr. Charles Foster: Of course illness always makes our anxiety worse. But there is a lot you can do. Ask your self a series of questions:

• What exactly am I afraid of?
• What's the worst that can happen?
• Is there anything I can do to prevent it?
• How bad will it be if what I'm afraid of comes to pass?

MaryO: I'm not sure if these is a part of your practice, but what about when a person has a serious illness and no one (including doctors) takes him/her seriously. Do you have ways for the patient to cope with that situation and to help others understand better?

Dr. Charles Foster: You are one doctor away from finding someone who will take your illness seriously. Keep looking. But at some point you need to ask all these doctors why you feel this way if it is nothing. And ask what you can do about the way you feel.

Never accept feeling poorly. There is always something you can do.

Dearest: You talk about finding the silver lining to your cloud. How does one do that when one is in constant pain? It's like being in the middle of a rainstorm with no umbrella

Dr. Charles Foster: I knew one woman who was in constant pain from her back. It was bad. She said, OK I need to find something engrossing enough to take my mind off my pain. She learned to sketch. it absorbed her and gave her a new lease on life. And it showed her she did have power over her pain.

Dearest: I've been talking for years in Power Surge to women about finding *anything* to distract themselves from the discomfort of perimenopause symptoms. Is that what you're talking about?

Dr. Charles Foster: You got it. And there is always something. Just looking actively can make you feel empowered and relieve your negative emotions.

PinkRose4955: What about anger if I feel that? Also what is the best way to handle what I feel?

Dr. Charles Foster: Most people feel anger when they are ill. Someone, a doctor or a relative, is letting you down. Focus on what would make you less angry with that person. If they listened to you more? Were more supportive? Did something for you? Then ask them directly for what you need.

Dearest: Dr. Foster, I'm curious, but do you suffer from any type of chronic pain?

Dr. Charles Foster: No I just give people chronic pain. LOL

Dearest: Hahahaha. Seriously, do you?

Dr. Charles Foster: But I used to have migraines a lot. No more.

Dearest: Ok. I just wondered. Thanks.

Dr. Charles Foster: I learned how to stop getting all stressed out.

CushieK: Do you think that it can be a reverse situation. Can your emotions cause you to become seriously ill, such as Cushing's (stemming from guilt, worry, anxiety or stress?

Dr. Charles Foster: Here's how it works. It works through the stress response. Stress definitely makes you susceptible to a variety of illnesses and conditions but a lot of the stress comes from feeling out of control with your emotions. becoming more effective at dialing back negative emotions can reduce stress significantly. It's all in Feel Better Fast.

JH3333: I'm the type of person who worries a lot and I like to be in control. Obviously, being in control is not possible when you have a serious illness and all the worry makes the situation even tougher to deal with. Any advice or tips for coping?

Dr. Charles Foster: If you like to be in control but you're ill, make a list of where you do have some control and where you have to give up some control. Then focus on the ways you do have real control.

CushieK: So what you are saying is having a Positive Mental attitude can prevent a chronic illness from happening? Thanks.

Dr. Charles Foster: But I am not saying positive mental attitude can prevent illness. That just makes a lot of people feel guilty for being sick.

Dearest: When you just said "real control," it reminded me of a question I have from your book. Can you discuss more about negative emotions and our view of reality?

Dr. Charles Foster: Negative emotions are all tied up with a dark view of reality, a focus on loss and difficulty.

Dearest: hmmmm

Dr. Charles Foster: Those things are real, but so are opportunity and all the ways things can get better. The reason to focus on the positive is so you can see specific positive ways to act. That makes you feel better.

Dearest: Would you suggest, what with all these psychodynamics you mention - negative emotions, people who focus on loss and difficulty, et al - that many people suffering with chronic illness / pain or injury might greatly benefit from psychotherapy?

Dr. Charles Foster: Psychotherapy would be good, but so would regular talks with anyone you respect who can help you understand your emotions and show you how to channel them in a positive directions.

Dearest: I'd like to take this moment to complain about pain in my knees :)

Kates: When you have several "things" going on at once, like perimenopause, anxiety disorder, food sensitivities, etc., how do you ever really know if there's anything really "wrong" with you when so many things can affect you on a daily basis? Makes life very complex!

Dr. Charles Foster: I understand. I really do. But when things get complicated, you have to get simple. Ask yourself what is one thing I can do to make myself feel better today. THEN DO IT.

Dearest: Isn't that what it's REALLY all about, Dr. Foster? Making it all as simple as possible - even when it's terribly complicated?

Dr. Charles Foster: I think so. It's about finding one thing you have control over that you can do to make yourself feel better.

Dearest: Listen, if you find it first, will you send it to me? :)

Dr. Charles Foster: And that has a huge impact over time on the pattern of negative emotions.

Dearest: "my thing," that is.

Dr. Charles Foster: Buy a Chinese back scratcher!!

Dearest: That's ok. I have one already :)

SuziQ: My friend is severely depressed about his illnesses. What, if anything, can I say and/or do to help him - to be encouraging? Thank you.

Dr. Charles Foster: Help him find the hope.

SuziQ: How do I do that?

Dr. Charles Foster: Go with him to the doctor and don't leave until you find hope somewhere - for symptom relief, possible recovery, new ways of coping. There is always hope, but you have to make them show it to you.

Dearest: How many doctors do you think take the time to help people find ways of coping with their illnesses/pain? Other than to write out a prescription - for things like Vioxx and Celebrex - that increase risk of heart attack.

Dr. Charles Foster: You must MUST shop for a doctor until you find one who will listen and discuss your concerns. Until you find one like that, you are not getting proper medical care. Keep looking.

Orchid: When I have to have a serious medical test or be hospitalized, I feel lonely, because there is not usually anyone who can be with me. I'm elderly and not married.

Dr. Charles Foster: Contact your temple, church, other house of worship, or the chaplain's office at the hospital or the social service staff. Refuse to go through difficult procedures alone. You deserve better, and I think you can find it. But you have to inquire around.

MaryO: Could a positive mental attitude reduce the physical impact of a serious disease, then? Fewer symptoms, less duration or intensity? Or would *just* be a better mental outlook?

Dr. Charles Foster: Mary wins the prize. YES. Fewer, less severe symptoms. Definitely.

Dearest: You say, "When the bull gets into the china shop, it's pretty hard for the china-shop owner to do anything besides think about the bull. Something like this happens to many of us when we get sick or injured. We become obsessed in an emotionally painful way with what's wrong with our body. All we can do is think about what's wrong with us". How does one overcome these obsessive feelings?

Dr. Charles Foster: There are rumors that there is a big world out there outside your body. People who cope best do their best to go out into that world, if only in their minds. The world of things to get involved with will shrink your self-obsessive thinking. Don't tell yourself to stop. Just look for better things to think about.

Dearest: Is there a connection between chronic illness/pain and anger?

Dr. Charles Foster: Absolutely

Dearest: Can you elaborate, please?

Dr. Charles Foster: Most of us are seething with anger. And that's before we get sick! We are angry at a minimum for what is happening to us but anger is really frustration at being helpless. So the way out is to look for ways to make things better or let go of what's bothering you. You can ask yourself "who am I hurting with this anger?"

Dearest: I love something Mira once said, "Holding onto anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Dr. Charles Foster: There you go!!! She's the gal!