Dearest:  Tonight we continue the Power Surge series, Man To Man..."Women and 
Menopause" which started with Dick Roth. 

Tonight, I have the pleasure of introducing you to BRUCE BEKKAR, M.D., an OB/GYN, 
who completed his medical studies at the University of Southern California of Medicine. 
He's been on the Permanente obstetrics/gynecology staff in San Diego since 1989. He 
became interested in the issue of helping men understand how their wives or girlfriends 
bodies work after many of his female patients told him that their husbands or partners 
just didn't understand. To help guys learn the basics of womens' cycles, menstruation, 
menopause, Bekkar course for men at Kaiser Permanente's San Diego center is one 
of their most popular classes. Bekkar uses humor to help guys get over the 
initial anxiety about this topic.

The author of a wonderfully comprehensive guide about women, "Your Guy's Guide
To Gynecology: Everything You Wish He Knew About Your Body If He Wasn't Afraid 
To Ask". Dr. Bruce says he wrote the book to help the average man, whom he says 
is "completely confused about how women's plumbing works. This ignorance can 
adversely affect relationships." 

Dr. Bruce, welcome to Power Surge. Your course sounds terrific. Is it unique, or 
are there similar courses for men available around the country? And if not, WHY 
not? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I don't know of any other classes like it anywhere. It was 
sort of an experiment when I started out.


Dearest:  I'm wondering if wives sign their husbands up for the class, or do men 
have to sign up themselves? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Most of the time, it's the wives "volunteering" their 
husbands, but many men have come on their own. 


Dearest:  Dr. Bruce, I hate to get too serious on you now, but was wondering... 
if it's a husband of boyfriend's lack of information that leads women to feel 
they're thinking "it's all in our heads" -- how do you account for so many 
women coming to Power Surge saying their male doctors make them feel the same 
way? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I'm not sure. I make an extra effort with my patients that 
are going through menopause to let them know I'm trying to understand. 


Dearest:  Thanks, Dr. Bruce. Would it were so that that were the case with all
doctors. 


Riverwalker:  What do men find the most confusing? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Actually, most guys don't know the basics of women's 
reproductive anatomy and physiology: the uterus, estrogen, etc, So, every topic 
concerning women's health is confusing to them. 


Dearest:  Dr. Bruce, what type of suggestions do you give to a man who's living 
with a woman in perimenopause?


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  First and most important, ask how she's feeling and LISTEN to 
her answer without interrupting.  It doesn't take a lot of knowledge from the 
guy, just a willingness to listen and connect when she's struggling. 


Dearest:  I assume that's what you call the four magic words, shut up and 
listen? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  This is a simple but amazingly powerful method for guys to 
learn. We have to get over fixing everything, including our wife's menopause.


Dearest:  Interesting. Thanks, Dr. Bruce.  


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  We have a character in our book, called Supportive Guy; he 
gives practical tips for men on all kinds of "female" topics. Most importantly, 
he reinforces listening!


Dearest: I'd also recommend the special forum I created for men
on the Power Surge Message Board,  Men, This One Is For You!


Larry:  Is it true you give out an award at the end of the class - a supportive 
guy award? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I give out a supportive guy diploma to every guy who wants 
one - and just about every guy there sticks around to get one.


Wildflowers:  Do you feel that men enter their own type of perimenopause as well 
as menopause, and if so do you explain this to the men in your classes?..such as 
mood swings, physical changes the men experience also? I sometimes feel if men 
and women understood everyone goes through changes, it would be easier to 
understand.


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  It's definitely true that men are going through changes at 
the same time - but not as radical physiologically as women. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  One of the major realizations guys get from my class or the 
book is that women go through a lot that they don't have to. It makes men a lot more 
appreciative of their partners, and therefore more sympathetic and supportive. 


Dearest:  Interesting that you say that your humor evokes laughter from men 
attending your class "because in an all-male setting, most guys are eager to 
tackle the subject." Women bond together so easily to discuss their health and 
marital issues, yet I've found it difficult bringing men into the conversation. 
Why do you suppose we can talk to our own genders easily, but we can't talk to 
each other? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  These topics aren't easy to discuss between members of a 
couple for lots of reasons - mostly we weren't raised with a comfort about them. 
But with some education, guys learn that it's not that complex and they can 
help. I find most guys very eager to help when they get over their uneasiness 
with the topics.


Dearest:  Do you think part of the problem of men communicating may stem 
from their realization that while their wives are going through menopause, it forces 
them to face their their own aging and mortality issues? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  This is absolutely part of the answer. I like to remind men 
that they need to take control of their health at this time of life too. It's 
important for them as they reach midlife, and that can help inspire their wives 
to do the same. 


Bob:  My wife will start complaining about her life very loudly, especially at 
bedtime when I need my sleep for the next early day at work. Any suggestions? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  There's no easy answer - she's probably going through one of 
the toughest - and scariest times of her life. Here's what I suggest: Long before 
bedtime, sit down with her and just listen without interrupting. Ask questions 
like, "How are you feeling?" or "You look like you had a rough day. Tell me about it." 
And then, give her time to answer.


Dearest:  Dr. Bruce, have you observed or heard about women actually 
resenting their husbands sometimes questioning them when they're not feeling 
well?


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  If you give her the chance to talk before bedtime, maybe 
you'll both get more sleep.  Of course, timing is important. But one of the best 
ways to show caring is give her the chance to talk.  Also, do some reading and 
learn about what she's going through. It can help to show you care.  This way, 
until she's more willing to open up about it. 


Debrikkia:  Do men, at some point, go through "hormonal changes" as they get 
older, and if so, what kind and what "symptoms" and/or changes? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  We have a sort of male menopause, but it's fifteen or more 
years later, and much more subtle.  The old analogy is that women are like 12 
cylinder Ferrari's, and guys are like Chevy trucks. We're a lot more simple.


MaryO:  You said that women go through a lot that we don't have to. Do you 
think that we women are bringing symptoms on ourselves? If so, what are some 
examples? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  For the most part, I don't believe that women bring any of 
the typical symptoms of menopause on themselves.  However, it is important to do 
the things that keep you healthy, like quitting smoking and watching your diet 
because not doing so makes the stress of menopause worse. 


MaryO:  Thanks 


Larry:  When I try to talk to my wife she says she wants to be alone.  Why does 
she isolate when I want to talk to her and help? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Give her space when she asks for it, but let her know you're 
ready to listen when she wants to talk. Does she have a hard time telling you 
about personal matters? 


Larry:  Not before menopause started, no. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  She may also be pretty overwhelmed right now. I'd encourage 
her to see her doctor - and it would be great if you could go with her.  It 
might make it easier for her to talk to you afterwards.


Larry:  Thanks. Your book is great. 


Wildflowers:  If men go through their changes..15 years. from ours..then why is 
it always said they're going through male menopause..around the age of 50 -- with 
the new cars, earrings. What happens at 50? a youth type of loss? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Yes, I think you're right. We have to confront our own 
emotional issues at midlife, even though our bodies aren't going through what 
yours are at that time.


Wildflowers:  And what changes happen to men 15 years from ours? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I don't follow this too closely (it's not a part of 
Gynecology) but there's a slow decline in testosterone and some other hormones 
as we get into our seventies.


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  There's a lot of overlap in the symptoms of perimenopause and 
PMS - which is why I teach guys about both topics in my class and why they're in 
the same chapter of our book - a chapter called "Attack of the Killer Hormones." 


Dearest:  What do you say to men of menopausal women whose wives' libidos have 
declined or dissipated completely, so the men know they're not necessarily the 
cause of it? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I reassure the guys that it's a normal part of this time of 
life and the best way to improve their sex lives (they all listen intently at 
this point) is to be intimate with their partners emotionally, that is spend 
a lot of time sharing in what she's going through. I find that the drop in 
libido - sex drive - is often temporary. It gets better a little after "the 
change" for many women. 


Debrikkia:  My daughter is 28 -she has had 3 children, all within 18 months of 
each other. She is now experiencing horrendous "emotional" problems before the 
onset of her period. Her youngest child is 5 years old. Is there a possibility 
that she could be experiencing early menopause? She's VERY concerned about what 
happens to her at this time of the month. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  This sounds like PMS - which again has many similarities to perimenopause. 


Dearest:  I thought e-children, like she had them online! 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar: There's a lot she can do for herself, and her husband can help her. 


debrikkia:  Ha! LOL 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  E-children could be popular, if there could be e-labor... 


Dearest:  Haha! True. 


Dearest:  There may be some day, who knows! 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Coming soon to a computer near you.


Bill:  Are men more prone to be worried about loss of libido or the menopausal 
women themselves? While I know that women do have a sexual identity, I've 
always considered them more interested in emotional sensitivity than their sex 
lives. Is this LIKELY to change after menopause or to remain relatively the same 
as their perimenopausal persona? 


Dearest:  Excellent question - that's why we need to bring more men into 
these discussions. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Agree. The same general personality and sexuality will probably be 
around after the change, but many women become more sexual once their 
"childbearing years" are over.  This is particularly true if they're taking good 
care of themselves, and they feel that their partners care about them..(hint, 
hint).


Dearest:  Bill, don't you believe that women may be more interested than 
men in the "emotional sensitivity" with "regard to their sex life" than men?  
In other words, women experience sexuality more emotionally than men do. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  There's a real opportunity at the time of menopause for 
couples to reconnect and IMPROVE their relationship.


Bill:  I have noticed that my spouse has been growing more and more independent 
in her actions and trying to do more things away from the family and I thought 
of it as a sign of "mid-life crisis" rather than a sign of perimenopause. In 
reestablishing a more intimate relationship with her, I could almost care less 
about the sex than the security of being the one man she wants in her life. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  It's not actually always a negative time for couples - many 
that I see that get educated about what's going on improve their level of 
intimacy! That's a good place to start. Do you think she knows that? 


Dearest:  It's fascinating how he says he could care less about the sex than the 
security of being the one she wants in her life while she's becoming so 
independent. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  What are you doing Bill to establish a closer relationship? 


Bill:  I've talked to her about the growing distance and my insecurity in these 
actions. She states that it's not anything to do with me, but things she's going 
through. I am trying to establish the limits of what changes menopause bring to 
the equation so I can eliminate them and concentrate on where I can improve as a 
husband and friend. I want to be the one she laughs with, more than the one that 
causes her irritation. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Give her some space to deal with her changes. Understand 
this is a very tumultuous time for her.  You can offer to do things with her - 
like exercising and going to the doctor's - stuff that's healthy. Otherwise, 
don't be too threatened if she needs some room.  This is a temporary phase in 
most relationships. 


Dearest:  Bill, you would enjoy the Power Surge message boards, especially 
the one devoted to men, to discuss these issues at length. Thank you for your
contribution here. 


Debrikkia:  I had a hysterectomy at age 38, at which time my DR. thought I was 
going through early menopause -- what my daughter is going through right now is 
more extreme than her regular PMS that she has experienced -- any ideas? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  PMS can be very severe - about 1 in twenty women is pretty 
disabled for a few days each month. Has she seen a gynecologist, and followed 
their recommendations?


Debrikkia:  Yes 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  How much is it effecting her home life, and what is her 
partner's response? 


Debrikkia:  At this point -- pre-menstrual she has extreme emotional problems 
and honestly thinks she may be losing her mind. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  It's not that uncommon - but it's really difficult. Is her 
husband helping her or making it worse? 


Debrikkia:  He's trying to understand, but is having a hard time - -he feels 
like he's losing his mind, at times, himself. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Make sure he learns about PMS, so that he appreciates what 
she's going through. Also, encourage her to keep seeing her doctor until things 
are better. We have a lot to offer with this problem now.


Debrikkia:  Do you have any suggestions that I could recommend to him about 
learning about PMS? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  (here's the big "plug" opportunity) There's this book, "Your 
Guy's Guide to Gynecology" 


Dearest:  One thing is to read Your Guy's Guide To Gynecology! 
Oops.. haha! 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Great idea!  He can make a big difference with her.


Debrikkia:  Thanks -- I should have known. Didn't know it would cover that 
subject. Thanks so much. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  You're welcome - thank you. 


Dearest:  Deb, it's a wonderful book - covers everything. Just as good for women 
as men. 


Debrikkia:  Thanks Dearest -I'll order it tonight 


Dearest:  Yes, excellent idea!  Bob, go ahead, please :) 


Bob:  My wife seems to complain about the lack of romance in our life. Why can't 
she be happy with they way things are in our marriage now? She wants to travel 
and I can't afford it.


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  This may be too simple - but it's rarely about money when 
someone complains about the lack of romance. What else might be causing this? 


Bob:  She thinks I ignore her.


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I want you to look at the level of closeness you two have - 
are you having trouble connecting on a regular basis, beyond the day-to-day 
stuff?


Bob:  I think so. There is a lot of stress. 


Dearest:  Dr. Bruce, that's something I've always said in Power Surge - 
menopause doesn't happen in a vacuum. Marital problems usually existed before 
menopause, but are only exacerbated by menopause. Your thoughts? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Absolutely - menopause is a physiologic stress. It will 
aggravate any underlying problems in a couple.


Bob:  She thinks a trip will bring us closer.  


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Bob - work on the stress with her - and show her you want her 
stress to resolve also - not just yours. 


Dearest:  It's very helpful for all us women to be privy to men's thoughts as 
well. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  You can take a vacation at home - just unplug the phone, make 
a romantic dinner together - it doesn't take a trip to the airport.


Bob:  Thank you.


Bill:  Dr. Bruce, getting back to giving my wife space, she actually asked me to 
leave her alone. I'm trying, but I like to be helpful and do a lot of little 
things. Like Bob, the budget is tight, so I try to do things. But I'm trying so 
we'll see. I'm also trying to be a little more lighthearted and not so hangdog 
that she doesn't want to hang with me. I want to thank you, but I gotta go now. 
You're right though, we used to do activities together, and circumstances have 
reduced these regularly scheduled events, so I end up playing the parent more 
than the partner. Thanks and good night. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Good luck Bill - focus on giving her room, not making her 
wrong for wanting it - and getting yourself into good shape physically and 
emotionally. that will make you more attractive to her. 


Dearest:  I think it's difficult for men to understand that women need more 
space during menopause, yes?   Sometimes LOTS of space! 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Sure - we're not going through it, and it's hard to know 
what's going on. I think it's a very positive time for women if they take charge 
of their lives. 


Dearest:  Tell us about your stint as a stand -up comedian and how you utilize 
humor in your course for men. Thanks. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  I did some local comedy clubs in town, and loved it - when I 
wasn't getting hit with tomatoes.  When I talk to the guys, it's easy to find 
humor. So much of this stuff is uncomfortable, and that makes us all laugh.  The 
great thing is, the guys really want to learn once they realize I'm not going to 
make them uptight. Many of them have had questions about women's bodies their 
whole lives.


Dearest:  So, humor serves as a buffer or ice-breaker and makes it easier for 
them to cope with? I suppose it can be an intimidating subject.


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Of course - it's been taboo even for women to talk about 
until just a few years ago.


Dearest:  I know. That's why I started talking about it back in 1993 in Power 
Surge :) I think we've made strides though. Thank God. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  The other part of this is, no one ever teaches men about this 
at all - until now. 


Dearest:  But, Dr. Bruce, in all honesty, who taught women about men? Maybe 
we're just more eager to learn and communicate. And, as you said, the Ferraris 
while you guys are the Chevy trucks :) 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Yes, but it helps to have a basic understanding that you both 
share. Our book is really meant to be used together to provide this for both 
people.  Dearest, we're just not as interesting as you all are.


Dearest:  Well, I wouldn't publicly agree with you :) 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  And, women are more eager to "communicate" but the guys get 
better with practice and knowledge. 


Dearest:  So, bottom line is we have to help one another.  


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Rumor has it that we guys are human, after all. 


Debrikkia:  I wonder how many women have heard the "hurtful" remark --"It's just 
a mood, you'll get over it"? 


Dearest:  Oh, Deb, I would imagine we've all heard it. 


Debrikkia:  Smack!! 


Wildflowers:  lol 


Debrikkia:  oops -sorry! 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  We can change that statistic with some education and practice 
- I'm seeing it in my patients all the time. 


Debrikkia:  I - as I mentioned, had a hysterectomy - 12 years ago, and have been 
going through menopause ever since - can't find the right answer for me with 
hormone replacement.  I've been on Biest for the past year, and it works better 
than anything else I've used...is there a possibility for women who have had 
their ovaries removed, to eventually get through this the same as women who went 
through "natural" menopause? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Please find a gynecologist that will work with you on this.  
There are more choices than ever before. Also, don't forget your own 
responsibility to take care of your body through diet and exercise. No treatment 
your doctor has will ever take the place of that. As I said, please keep going back 
to your doctor and repeating your complaints until you two work out something. 


One more comment for the ladies, please don't assume your partner doesn't want 
to know about this subject.  Acknowledge his efforts and encourage him to learn 
and accompany you through your changes. You might be surprised.


Dearest:  Dr. Bruce, just out of curiosity, but have you personally dealt with a 
menopausal woman in your life? 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  and a PS: Your Guy's Guide to Gynecology makes a fun 
Valentines day gift.

Dearest, I see 10 -20 menopausal women a day in my office, and I specialize in this part 
of gynecology. 


Dearest:  Where exactly are you located, so I can recommend any west coasters to 
you. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  My wife is only 35, so I guess I haven't, aside from my 
mother - and I was hiding in Med School when she went through it. I'm in San Diego, 
working for Kaiser Permanente. They can reach me through my website. 
 

Dearest:  Wonderful.   Dr. Bruce, thank you for chatting with us tonight about 
such an important subject. Dick Roth was a guest last month and I hope this will 
be help educate our male counterparts in the area of women's health and changes.

I urge men and women alike to get a copy of Dr. Bruce Bekkar's very 
comprehensive book, "Your Guy's Guide To Gynecology: Everything You Wish He Knew
About Your Body If He Wasn't Afraid To Ask" and be sure to visit Dr. Bruce's Web 
site www.supportiveguy.com.

Thanks, again, for a much needed chat. Men need to be enlightened about womens 
bodies, the physical, psychological and spiritual changes. The best place to start 
is with simple dialogue and, of course, caring. I hope you'll come back again very soon.  


Dr. Bruce Bekkar: I'd love to. Thanks again for having me. 


Dearest: My pleasure, indeed. 


Dr. Bruce Bekkar:  Thanks for all you do for your members. 


Dearest: That, too, is my pleasure :)  Goodnight!




If you've enjoyed Dr. Bruce Bekkar's transcript for men on women and menopause, you'll also 
be interested in reading Dick Roth's transcript



Disclaimer:  Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose
opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an 
endorsement of a guest's views.

None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without 
the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.

Read other transcripts by returning to the Library.


Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Facilitator, Host


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