Q: is there a way a man that is afraid of intmacy and touching and kissing etc can be helped by his g/f? he wont seek any therapy can I help at all. He has moved a little in that direction but im tired of reaching into a dry well. He has great fears about being "close" but i'm getting lonley and tired of "talking" about love and touching. I want the real thing without having to ask to be kissed or loved. Can I help him at all he seems to love me in his own detached way.

A: Both of you could benefit from a little guidance or direction from a competent therapist. When you say you're "tired of reaching into a dry well" its clear you're making assumptions about what ISN'T present in your partner (dry well?) Your disappointment and loneliness are no doubt obvious to him and part of the unspoken problem between the two of you. You're both in pain. Relationships are a product of balance. When the balance is shifted, people feel free to express their intimacy differently. I recommend you NOT define HIM as the sole problem but address the issues you EACH experience in some formal treatment. Other than giving him some suggestions (which you've already tried) it would be a mistake to take on the responsibility of decreasing his "detachment" -- one must understand the meaning of his detachment and your frustration and the ways they present in your relationship. Let someone who's trained to do this help you.

Hope this is helpful.

Dr. Sandy Scantling
Author of Extraordinary Sex Now.
Visit Dr. Sandy's Web site at: www.drsandy.com

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